the compulsive worrier

2011-09-11T13:32:00.000+01:00

Ten years ago I had just turned 40. Phil had booked a trip to New York, my favourite city, to celebrate. We were due to fly out on 20th September.

11th September 2001 was a beautiful early autumn day in Helsby. I was home from work as a local handyman was replacing spindles on our staircase. Suddenly I got a phone call from Phil telling me to switch on the news as a plane had just flown into the Twin Towers. At that time we assumed it was a terrible accident. I put on the news and .....well, we all know the rest.

I have been back to the city twice since then. It is still one of my favourite places on earth. I don't know why but I have always felt very much at home there.

My thoughts and prayers are with the people of NYC and with Americans everywhere on this ten year anniversary. God bless you all. From my heart.

2011-09-08T22:07:00.000+01:00

SPIDERS
I just remembered what I hate about autumn. It's the way the HUGE spiders come in looking for mates. I wish they wouldn't. We have had two enormous ones in the kitchen this evening alone.

2011-09-08T22:04:00.000+01:00

It's now a year since my lovely mother in law June passed away. Already she has missed so much. And we miss her every day.

I miss our long chats and all her support.

Kate is off to university in Aberystwyth soon. Another big change that I'm not at all ready for! Last weekend we talk her round IKEA buying stuff for her new life. That was so weird! I am really excited as she is getting to experience something neither her dad nor I did - going away to uni as we both stayed at home whilst studying. But I am really going to miss her.
My new job is still crazy and still stressful. On the plus side I'm really enjoying riding again after a bit of a break for summer holidays etc.

We have a wedding coming up that I'm really looking forward to as the couple are a lot of fun and real personalities. I'll still be nervous of course.

So summer such as it was is officially over and already the nights are drawing in. I quite like this time of year ......

2011-08-20T17:02:00.000+01:00

I turn to my blog after a long absence to ask myself why I have I once more allowed myself to be used and dropped by a so-called "friend?"

It's funny but when I look back over my life I have been hurt far more effectively by women than by men. Yes, a man broke my heart once. But in a straightforward sort of way. There was none of the ambiguity and cruelty I've experienced from some women "friends". And one in particular.

A friend can hurt you so badly - they know your weak spots. They know exactly how to manipulate you for the greatest effect.

I am very lucky,I have some amazingly wonderful friends. And I'm very grateful to them. I hope i can be as good a friend to them as they are to me.

It is really time for me to lick my wounds for the last time and tell one particular person to go to hell - sadly I won't have the chance to do it to her face!

And just one more thing - to the mutual "friend" who dropped both Phil and myself at a time when we needed friends and kindness a lot - it's one thing to hurt me but another thing altogether to hurt my husband when his mum was dying - you can go to hell too!

Sorry about that - rant over.

2011-04-26T19:46:00.000+01:00

This has been a very unusual Easter - for a start, the amazing weather!!! Good Friday was probably my favourite day - got up early, went for a run, did a bit of gardening and baking then basically lazed!

It was also unusual as Phil worked 2 twelve hour day shifts, one on Friday and one on the Sunday and it was strange for us all to be home relaxing without him.Our new garden furniture has had plenty of use though, and we had a bbq on Monday for Phil's dad.

On the Saturday we met up with a bride whose wedding we are photographing at the end of June. We are very excited because the reception is to be at the Grosvenor Hotel in Chester - a VERY posh location right in the very heart of Chester. AS London bus is also involved - that should really be something to see! It's a little challenging to be photographing a bridal couple in Chester's very busy main street on a Saturday afternoon but hopefully we will get some great shots!

I took an extra day off today and went shopping in Liverpool with the girls; we had a great time although my debit card is now worn out and begging me not to touch it for the forseeable future!

Due to my work pattern I'm actually only working one day this week, then it's another long weekend which coincides nicely with our wedding anniversary on Saturday and Phil's birthday on Monday.

I'm looking forward to watching some of the wedding on Friday - can't wait to see Miss Middleton's dress! Despite all the weddings I've been involved in, I still get a HUGE thrill seeing the bride in all her finery. I'm sure Kate will look stunning!

2011-04-23T19:44:00.000+01:00

We are enjoying some beautiful weather for April and for once it has coincided with a holiday weekend - well, a holiday for some, poor Phil is working 12 hour shifts on both Good Friday and Easter Sunday!

I have to admit, I spent a big chunk of Friday sat in the garden reading and enjoying the sunshine. Although I did get up early and go for a run first!

Running is a fairly new activity for me; I took it up about two months ago after chatting to a friend who had started running using an NHS programme of podcasts called "Couch 2 5K" - at that point she was on week 7 and running for about 20 minutes, which really impressed me! For some reason, I've always wanted to run but never managed to get anywhere - I'd run for 15 minutes and it would nearly kill me and I'd give up! i also wanted to get fitter for riding.

So off I went with the podcasts on my MP3 player and Laura as my in the ear mentor. On the first week you begin with a brisk 5-minute walk, then alternate 60 seconds of running and 90 seconds of walking, for a total of 20 minutes. Over the weeks you gradually build up to running for 30 minutes (and/or 5K) The first week was hard! But I felt a big sense of achievement and I kept going. Tomorrow I start week nine and I'm already running for 30 minutes although I'm not quite up to 5k distance yet. There wasn't one run I didn't complete!

I have found I really love running. I have a certain amount of tendon pain in my left ankle (the one I sprained!)but my stamina has increased hugely - it's only the discomfort that limits me now.

I'm planning on continuing to run 3 times a week, hopefully building up speed and distance and i'm also walking 2 miles in my lunch break 4 times a week.

The wedding season is approaching and we're meeting up with our couples. I must watch the royal wedding to get me in the mood!

Happy Easter everyone!

2011-04-03T02:00:00.002+01:00

Mum - Edwina Rose

Mum in Law - June

This is the first Mother's Day that I have no one to send a card to. My wonderful Mum died over 20 years ago and my lovely Mum in law just a few months ago in September. I miss them both every day but know I am lucky to have had two such exceptional women to love me and look after me.

So, no cards or flowers or hugs, but a poem - an annoymous poem I found on the Internet that says what I want to say today to both my mothers.....

Sometimes I catch myself
Thinking, "When I phone,
I can talk of this or that!"
Then remember, I'm alone.

She was always there
To answer my calls -
To listen to my "small talk"
Or when I climbed the walls.

At times, I didn't feel like talking
And somehow, she understood -
Didn't say she wished I'd call
Or make me feel like I should.

Now, I wish I would have
More times, to show I cared -
To say, just how important
Were all those times we shared.

I could have shown my love
So much more than I did -
I never did it enough
Even when I was a kid.

Now it's too late to do or say
All those things I wish I had -
No way to ease the pain inside
When my heart is sad.

She was my "anchor" to this life -
The "rock", that I clung to -
The placewhere I could turn
When nowhere else would do.
Now, the ravages of time
Have worn my "rock" away -
And all I have to cling to
Are memories of yesterday.

2011-04-02T16:09:00.000+01:00

Jay Bradbury of "The Jaywalkers"

It has been almost two months since my last post - I am so busy these days and have so little computer time that blogging is one of the things I've had to more or less give up. As is commenting on blogs although I do still keep up with quite a few - usually reading them just before I drag myself off to bed!

The photo above is one I took recently at a gig for a local band, The Jaywalkers. Jay, the singer pictured here is one of Kate's friends and an extremely talented young lady with a stunning voice.

It's the second lot of band photos we've done recently as we also did a publicity session for Treuddyn Tested, another local group - you can see some of our pics on their website.

We are gearing up for a cluster of weddings in early summer and next weekend I am photographing an prizegiving for a poetry competition.

I really want to start blogging regularily again.Working full-time is taking it's toll though, especially the two 12 hour days every week and soon it could get worse as I might be working alternate Saturdays again.I miss my part-time hours SO MUCH!! I find myself homesick these days as I'm so seldom actually in my house! Anyway, I'm going to catch up on the last few months and hope I can blog more often...

Work is very busy and huge changes are on the horizon as libraries are merging with another department and we will be restructuring. We are very lucky as Wirral is not closing libraries as so many councils are and I still have a job but it is clear that things are going to be very different in the future and I am feeling quite anxious. I don't know what my new role will entail, or how my work patterns will change. I am hoping I will still be able to do my volunteer work at RDA.

Sian had her French exchange student, M to stay - the visit started off badly as poor M was sick but we all loved her and felt very sad when she had to go home.

We have booked a holiday in Florida - we couldn't decide where to go that would please everyone and not cost the earth and suddenly it occurred to me that Florida might fit the bill. We would all like to see Harry Potter World and revisit Seaworld and some of the other parks as well as Kennedy Space Centre. After another hard winter preceded by a fairly dismal summer we are all longing for warmth and sunshine. We have booked baseball tickets, we can shop and Sian and I can go trail riding. We have a villa/car/flights package that is reasonable and we all can't wait. It will probably be our last big family vacation.

I am still riding and slowly improving; absolutely loving it too.I have also taken up running, much to my surprise, using a plan from the NHS called "Couch to 5K" and it's great, I'm just about to start Week 6 and yesterday I ran for 20 minutes for the first time ever!" I get such a buzz from running! The only question is if my joints can stand it!

Am I nuts, taking up running and riding in the year I am due to turn 50????

2011-02-05T17:08:00.000Z

We have a new mattress. A new bed shop opened in Helsby this year and that prompted us to take the plunge and hopefully get a better night's sleep. It arrived today and I've just made up the bed with my favourite bedlinen - doesn't it look inviting? It has a layer of memory foam on it which feels pretty blissful. I nearly nodded off in the shop.

The weather is awful: I was hoping to do some work in the garden but it's just not possible. I did move a broken pot (victim of the icy weather - RIP my lovely pot-pond!) using the broken pieces as decoration in the borders. It's nice to see a few bulbs coming up and signs of life in some parts of the garden but in general the view is fairly depressing.

I am going to make a real effort to take more photos for pleasure - I'm basically only using the camera for work right now and that's a shame.

2011-01-11T19:39:00.000Z

It is a long time since my last blog post. December has been a busy month. Amongst other things, we had a wedding plus another photographic commission. The weeks have just flown by.

So, to my surprise I find myself already in 2011.

And looking back on 2010. What a year.

It will always be the year we lost Phil's mum. My mother in law, June. We really felt her absence this Christmas. We made a pretty good attempt at enjoying ourselves and most of the time we succeeded. It was a lovely Christmas and festive season in general but sadly Christmases will not be the same without June. We must cherish those still with us for who knows what lies ahead!

2010 was also the year I realised my job situation was shaky and that the future of libraries seemed very bleak. I go into 2011 very aware that huge changes are ahead and I'm hoping I can weather them. I lost a dear colleague to cancer and saw other friends struggle with all sorts of challenges and sorrows, wishing I could help.

On the positive side, we photographed six weddings and our clients were all very happy with our work. I started riding lessons again and learned to crochet. We had two lovely holidays in Scotland and Yorkshire. I found out I did not have diabetes! My sister in law is recovering well after serious illness.

So...bring on 2011.

2010-11-16T23:41:00.000Z

Taking a gamble...

I'm really not the gambling type but I have just bet a year's salary that I'll still have a job in a year's time. Every single member of the council which employs me (with the exception of teaching staff) have been offered either voluntary severance or early voluntary retirement. If I was over 55 I'd get the chance of a lump sum plus my pension. As I'm only 49 I would just get a redundancy payment based on my length of service (27 years!) This amounts to about a year's salary (but tax free).

The gamble is that as the library service up and down the country is being decimated, I might find myself made redundant anyway in a year's time, on much less favourable terms.

If other jobs were available I might have considered going. But there is so little in the way of work around here. And my pension is at least 6 years away still. We also have two children to put through university.

So I'm staying put and hoping I'm making thr right decision. I'm also hoping to keep the photography business going and if possible build it up so if the worst happens, I have something to fall back on.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried about this decision, though.

2010-11-14T17:14:00.001Z

Part 2 - the Metropolitan Cathedral of Christ the King.
This is the Catholic cathedral, so different but just as beautiful in its own unique way.

A beautiful coloured glass panel through which you glimpse the cathedral and also some reflected clouds.

The sun shining through the panel throws this light on the steps.

Sian and her camera.

The light in the cathedral filters through these wonderful mosaic panels.

The magnificent altar.

More panels of colour.

A place for prayer

More colour..

Shadows...

A last look back..

2010-11-14T17:04:00.000Z

A tale of two cathedrals - Part 1
The Anglican Cathedral in Liverpool

Phil, Sian and I visited the two cathedrals in Liverpool which stand either end of Hope Street for an afternoon taking photos.

2010-11-05T21:57:00.000Z

Phil has started a blog! Please drop by and say "hello" - ne needs encouraging!

Landscape & Light Blogspot

2010-10-30T15:18:00.003+01:00

We have just returned from a wonderful week in the Yorkshire Dales. we stayed in a little village called Conistone. The photo above, taken by Phil, is a panoramic view of the area around Conistone. According to Wikipedia,

Conistone is a small village (population 117 in the 2001 census) in North Yorkshire, England. It lies 3 miles north of Grassington, beside the River Wharfe, in Upper Wharfedale.

The village is set in characteristic limestone scenery, including Mossdale Caverns, the dry gorge of Conistone Dib and the limestone outcrop of Conistone Pie. Above the Dib a Dalesway path connects Kettlewell, to its north, and Grassington, to its south, providing distant views over the Wharfedale. From the B6160 road, the Wharfe is crossed at Conistone by a stone-arch bridge, which is within easy walking distance of Kilnsey, with its Crag.

Our cottage was lovely, old and cosy with the most luxurious bathroom and extremely well-equipped kitchen. We especially enjoyed the novelty of lighting a log fire each evening. I adore Yorkshire. It is a very spacious county and you really feel you have room to breathe. I was awestruck by the magnificent scenery at every turn in the road.

We love the Lake District but I am starting to find it too crowded and too commercial. Every town and village is becoming a tourist trap, I like to visit places where there are still village stores and local amenities, instead of wall to wall gift/outdoor shops and cafes.

This was the holiday we were meant to share with my mum in law, June, so it had a certain poignancy to it. But we had Phil's dad with us, although not Kate for the first few days, who was staying behind for a party.

As we entered Skipton I was electrified by the sight of some orange sheep in a field. No one else saw them and I was skitted at the entire holiday...but I found THIS on Google and THIS on Youtube.

On the Saturday we went to Ripon and admired the beautiful cathedral and then stopped off at Fountains Abbey for a walk around the gardens. We were told that the Abbey was to be floodlit that evening so we decided to do a supermarket shop back in Ripon and then return to see the Abbey lit up. It was wonderfully atmospheric and we all had loads of fun taking photos. The night was clear and there was a full moon - very impressive! (see Phil's pic below!)

The following day we visited the falls at Aysgarth followed by Bolton Castle which was a lot of fun, even if the lady selling tickets did not at first believe that Sian was under 18! We picked Kate up from Lancaster Station that evening.

Monday was a bright and sunny day so we headed off to the amazing Malham Cove. We think Phil's dad thought we were trying to finish him off with the climb to the top but it was well worth it. After lunch we walked to another waterfall called Janet's Foss. Janet was apparently queen of the fairies...hmm, not sure about THAT fact!

Sian and I managed to go on a great ride each over the fells, although not together as I'm not up to her standard. The riding centre was in the village which meant we often heard the sound of hooves clopping past.

We also managed trips to North Allerton, Bolton Abbey (fab scones in the tea shop there!!) and Brimham Rocks and a place called Stump Caverns which was a bit boring, to be honest and not worth the entrance fee!

The weather was pretty good for October with some gorgeous sunny days and I'm already longing to go back there. We had such a lovely time being together and escaping from worries and cares for a time. Although as always it was nice to come home and see the cats again.

2010-10-17T12:54:00.002+01:00

Reflections in a Rolls Royce

It's been a while since my last blog post and I have been really busy. We photographed another wedding and had those photos to edit, plus we've had a week-long literary festival at work and I've been working lots of extra hours photographing events for that. This afternoon Everton are playing Liverpool and Phil & Kate are out, Sian is in France on an exchange trip and I'm "home alone" which is actually quite nice as I'm able to do a bit of catching up.

So much is going on I don't know where to begin. For starters, every council employee received a letter last week offering us the opportunity to apply for voluntary severance and/or voluntary early retirement (if over 55).There was also the hint that if not enough jobs were shed this way, compulsory redundancies could be next in line. I'm not eligible for my pension yet so I'm not applying to go. We have no idea yet how many staff will be allowed to go or what our department will look like after this process is over. And when you add the cuts in public spending that are to be announced next week into the mix alongside the reccomendations of the inquiry into public sector pensions - it all adds up to a lot of uncertainty.

Then Phil arrived home last week with the news that Lloyds are intending to shed loads of IT jobs - I literally just put my head in my hands in despair!

It's ironic that we could both end up claiming benefits at the exact time that this government are cutting the benefit system to the bone!

University fees are set to rise just as our daughters approach the age when they'll be applying to go to Uni.

Well, I'm sure my worries about possible job losses are shared by millions of people up and down the country. I know I'm not unique.

I'm missing June so much. I keep having these vivid dreams where I go to her house and she's there. When she sees my astonished face she says "It was all a mistake, I didn't die!" i wake up and for a few moments I'm happy, then reality hits again.

In losing June I feel I've lost one of the few remaining people who really thought I was all right. For so much of the time I feel I'm failing at everything, but June would tell me I was doing a good job. I miss that reassurance at a time when i feel everything is slipping away.

I know I have good friends I can talk to but I'm afraid of starting in case the floodgates open and EVERYTHING comes pouring out, not just the grief for June but all the fears and anxieties that are tormenting me. No one needs to have all that dumped on them especially as I know my friends have their own worries and concerns to deal with. Hence this post, so I can at least get things off my chest a bit...send them into Cyberspace.

I recently had a night out with friends and although it was lovely to see them i felt very separate from them, as if I was behind a sheet of perspex. I don't feel part of the group any more - nothing to do with them,they are the same wonderful group of people they always have been, it's just me. I don't know why I feel like this. I'm lonely but at the same time I can't seem to bring myself to interact with people.

Well, so as not to be ALL doom & gloom I'll write about some positives - riding is going well and I had my first canter in 20 years the other week - wow, I absolutely loved it! RDA has restarted and I'm still loving that.

Our two latest weddings are completed although both couples want albums which is more work (albeit enjoyable!). They are both very happy with our services which is always wonderful to hear. We have some bookings for next year too. Phew...

We are going on holiday soon to Yorkshire. Fears of creepy crawlies aside, I'm looking forward to a change of scene and hopefully some riding!

Right, off to do some gardening. I do feel a mite better for this cyber-dumping. Isn't self pity a vile emotion?

2010-09-22T22:59:00.003+01:00

Disco Phil...my hero.

Well, the funeral is over and life is returning to normal. A new sort of normal, without June. I think it is slowly dawning on me that she has gone. I can't really fully take it in yet.

I haven't really cried since it happened. I've had moments when my eyes have filled with tears but I've not had a real cleansing crying session. It would be better than the horrible vague ache in my heart that seems to be colouring everything a delicate grey.

Three days after June died we photographed a wedding. I'm still not sure quite how we managed it! But you know, you can't let people down on their wedding day. We did have a good friend/great photographer come along with us on the day in case Phil needed a "moment". But he didn't - he was great. I was so proud of him that day....

I am so tired and have so much I need to do. Today was my "day off" and it started early with getting a wash on, and a casserole in the slow cooker. Then a couple of hours of photo editing, then off for my riding lesson and an afternoon of RDA volunteering. Then back home and more editing...supper and MORE editing...but it's now FINISHED!

The garden is overgrown and ripe tomatoes are rotting on the ground because I haven't had time to pick them! We have another wedding this Saturday and then a bit of a break before the next one - and I'm hoping to get caught up on a few chores eventually.

My "to-do" list is evergrowing and i'm not crossing anything off. I think I'd like a holiday at home, on my own. I would potter and work through my list....My lovely family could go somewhere and have fun without me and when they got back I'd be caught up, serene and happy to have them back with me!

It'll never happen but it's nice to dream!

2010-09-16T22:28:00.003+01:00

For June, my wonderful mother in law...

"June always said I was her favourite daughter in law – and it’s a title I’m honoured have held despite the fact that I was her ONLY daughter in law so there was never any actual competition!

I first met her more than 20 years ago when I started going out with Phil. Right away I was impressed by her energy and enthusiasm and how she seemed to have so many interests and activities – I think painting and taking piano lessons were just two of the things she was doing at that time. She always relished a challenge – whether it was learning to drive, making a wedding dress for Janice or conquering the mysteries of the computer.

We got on right from the start and I soon learned that this was one of her gifts – she interacted so well with all sorts of people. Time passed and I married Phil, and I remember my own mum telling me at the time that I was lucky, I’d acquired wonderful parents in law along with my new husband. My mum was right in that as in so many other things!

June was not the sort of person who was always saying “I love you” and giving you lots of hugs and kisses. June’s love was shown in so many different ways – some big, some small, but they all added up and made her family & friends feel valued and cherished.

When my own parents died some years ago, June and Phil were right there by my side, quietly helping and supporting me through those difficult days. And I have thought of them as my “other” mum and dad ever since.

June’s love and care gradually extended to encompass not only a growing collection of grandchildren but also the family pets – dogs, cats, guinea pigs, even hamsters – all were looked after and spoiled in her own inimitable way. And they loved her right back – our dog Charlie never wanted to return home after a stay in Whitewell Drive being waited on hand & paw and served tea & toast for breakfast!

As for the grandchildren –well, June and Phil always went way beyond the call of duty with them! They were allowed to dress up in the contents of June’s wardrobes and put on shows, and when they were ill they were nursed better in cosy duvet “nests” on the sofa in front of the fire along with generous doses of Lucozade. Christmas was always such a fun time, with carefully chosen gifts and Nanny’s special “chocolate tree”. June taught Sian how to draw and paint and advised her on her art homework. She was encouraging, not critical.

I have so many great memories of June – hours spent pottering in the garden centre at Carr Lane, sniffing the scented candles and having coffee on the afternoons that Everton played at home. Shopping trips when she’d say “go on, buy it, you deserve it!” if I admired something. Her legendary cooking – the pick and mix lunches, the apple pies that everybody fought over, magic fizzy jelly made with lemonade, the “cow pie” produced especially for grandson Phil, the picnics she provided that were always so much better than anyone else’s. Holidays and days out and afternoon teas all made more fun just because she was there.

June was always so beautiful and so immaculately turned out – stylishly dressed and made up and one of the very few people I know who could wear top-to toe white out of doors and not get immediately covered in dirt and stains.

She didn’t go in for complaining or regrets. Although she told me recently she felt both annoyed and cheated by the fact that she wouldn’t get to see the final two Harry Potter films after following the series so devotedly.

June taught me so much over the years and one of the last things was that sometimes great courage can be shown just by putting on some lipstick and a smile for your visitors.

Thank you, June, for being my friend, for loving me and supporting me like a daughter and never being that stereotypical interfering mother in law.

And thank you Hilary, Janice and Phil for sharing your lovely mum with me and so generously."

This was the tribute I read out in church at June's funeral yesterday. I could have spoken for much longer..
I really don't know how I will manage without her.

2010-09-10T13:11:00.002+01:00

Three generations - June, grandaughter Sian and great-grand-daughter Evie.

2010-09-08T22:13:00.004+01:00

Today I lost my beloved mother in law and dearest friend, June. Phil lost his mum, the girls their Nanny. There are no words to express how much she was loved and how much we will miss her. Thank God she is at peace and all suffering has ended.

2010-08-04T16:35:00.003+01:00

Light in the darkness...

Nothing has really changed here; I'm awaiting the results of my blood test and we are all still trying to come to terms with the sad news we received last week.

But thanks to three special friends - Annie, Jane and Carolyn - you have lifted me up out of the depths to a level from which I feel I can face the future with a bit more courage. Words couldn't describe how much you all mean to me. Thanks too to you kind blogfriends who take the trouble to post kind words; you are all much appreciated!

2010-07-31T22:37:00.002+01:00

Difficult times...

Let me say right at the start that I know compared to lots of other people things aren't that bad. I have many blessings. But I am struggling to keep any positivity afloat right now.

It's the end of July and it feels as if every day this month has been grey and wet and depressing.

Phil & I are both struggling with health issues - non life threatening but the sort of things that make getting through the days and nights a massive effort.

I am having serious worries about the photography business - my nerves and anxiety over each wedding seem to be getting greater instead of diminishing and I'm starting to question whether it's actually worth it ...I sort of thought I might at least get better at dealing with it in time but I'm not...Big chunks of my life are taken over by literally paralysing fear of failure and of letting people down. No amount of reasurance or positive feedback can convince me I am worrying unecessarily. And yet if I give up, I'll have given in to fear - I don't like that idea. It feels like a lose/lose situation. I can't see my way forward right now.

This week a dear colleague/friend died of cancer. She was my age, had her first son around the time I had Kate. I WILL NOT say she lost her battle with cancer. I hate the whole "cancer battle - courageous fight" thing. There is for me an implication that people who die have lost their battle - my friend was not defeated by cancer! Nothing so ugly could take her spirit and the essence of her. Cancer eventually overwhelmed her body but not her soul. She was never diminished by her illness. She never displayed one shred of self-pity. I can't help but wonder "Why?" Why did she get taken from her young sons and her loving husband, family and friends? Some questions are too big to be answered.

Also this week, as a family, we had some extremely bad news. We are still reeling from it. I can't even begin to come to terms with it yet....

At the moment I am just coasting...I can't see the way ahead so I'm drifting in the current.

2010-07-18T21:30:00.002+01:00

Late on Wednesday evening I was suddenly visited with the desire to shift some furniture around in the study/box room. We have a problem in this room - the plaster on the walls is really only held together by the wallpaper and the computer chair arm has gouged a hole in the wall which is spilling crumbly plaster. Now, I realise the whole bloody ROOM needs stripping and replastering but realising and actually getting it DONE are two entirely different things...anyway, suddenly i realised that if I moved the desk from under the window and put it against the wall it would both COVER the hole and stop it getting any worse! Result...as I said, I could barely stop myself getting up and moving it right away.

Instead I rushed downstairs early Thursday and moved it. Not quite as easy as i anticipated due the cats cradle of wires under the desk, about three years of dust bunnies and the fact that the desk was pretty heavy but...it's done. Phil, bless him, has sorted out the cables and hoovered under there too. I am childishly delighted by the "new" feel to the room...

We are gradually getting some of the worst house problems sorted. The hole in the bathroom ceiling caused by removing the pull switch when we changed showers about 5 years ago has been filled in but the ceiling still needs resurfacing & painting. The burgalar alarm has been replaced and has new sensors that allow the cats to roam...way-hey!! We have lovely new floors in both bathrooms and the crappy hall/stairs/landing carpet is being replaced this coming week.

But really. a house is a constant work in progress, isn't it?

Busy, BUSY weekend - worked on saturday and Sian & I volunteered at the stables for four gruelling hours this morning in the rain and wind. Where has summer gone??

Am really looking forward to the week ahead as I have THREE days off!!! Can't wait to potter!

2010-07-14T22:09:00.001+01:00

My team at the library was recently nominated for an award, from Wirral Star Employers - it's all to do with work experience & apprenticeships for young people. The young man who nominated us, Alistair, has been working with us for two years now and his nomination was really special - we had no idea we had made such an impact on his life! I got invitations to the award ceremony and although at first I asked Phil & the girls to come, I eventually wised up to the fact that it should really be my wonderful team coming, so I asked the family if they'd mind not coming - they agreed.

Last night was the awards night and I was five hours late home from work because of it. It was a truly wonderful evening, quite glitzy, with champagne, posh frocks, a lovely buffet, entertainment....and we were joint winners in our category!! We were awarded a beautiful engraved glass star and a framed certificate and there was press coverage which will be good PR for the beleagured library service. I floated home with our awards, so happy and proud! This sort of thing doesn't usually happen to us librarians!

But no-one asked me how the award ceremony had gone; it was not even referred to. I can't believe it. Did they just assume I hadn't won or did it not even register as a blip on the radar of their daily lives? Didn't the fact I wasn't home cooking the dinner make them think "now where is she tonight?" Obviously not!

I don't want to get the award out and tell them about it because I don't want to hear the excuses..."I've been so busy!" ..."You know my memory!" "I forgot..." "You should have reminded me..."..."I've got so much on my mind right now..."

It would be nice just occasionally to be noticed.

2010-07-06T21:32:00.002+01:00

Tired and time-poor!!

So it's Tuesday night and I'm sitting here on my way up to bed. It's 9.30! I'm exhausted! I suppose you could say the novelty of working full time has now worn off and I'm really missing my Mondays off, my shorter Tuesdays! In addition I'm on a course two Wednesdays on the run so when you throw in my two 12 hour days I feel as if I'm hardly at home!

I'm enjoying work but it's also worrying as there are continuous "Chinese Whispers" going around about forthcoming cuts to the library service - I wish we knew the worst as this waiting and wondering is hard to bear. There's also worries about our pensions - I'm nearly 50, if my pension is suddenly done away with or curtailed it's a bit late for me to start saving for a new one.

I'm actually quite homesick which sounds ridiculous but I am really here so little and have so little time on my own. I've realised I like a little time on my own each week. I'm a bit worried too that I'll lose touch with my local friends as I'm not around so much. I don't have the time or the energy for much Facebook or blogging either so I'll probably lose all my online friends too!

I remember how when I was part-time I wanted (indeed, NAGGED!) Phil to do stuff; now I'm looking forward to a weekend when we have nothing planned so I can get in some precious pottering. I also need to get some albums finished. I miss my camera - photos i took for pleasure in June have been barely looked at!

This, however, is one, a sculpture from Anglesey. It looks a bit how I feel tonight - knackered!!

I'm so loving my riding although my progress seems so slow. S & I are planning on helping out at the stables some Sundays. Am I mad to consider this? But I LOVE being around horses...

I've just installed one of those gizmos that show how much electricity you're using. I've turned into a power Nazi, going round switching things OFF to get the readings lower. It's oddly fascinating...

The extra money is helping pay for some stuff that needs doing around the house and I'm grateful not to have had an actual pay cut this year, just a pay freeze. I need to treasure this job, while i still have one!

Now I'm off to bed to read my book!

2010-06-27T09:49:00.003+01:00

Dear So & So....

My friend Annie over at Incessant Ramblings uses her "Dear So & So" posts to get things off her chest.

Here's mine! (inspired by The Quiet Rage)

Dear Neighbours with yappy dogs,

You are really nice people and I like you. I know you'd help me if my house was burning down and I'd do the same for you. I also like your little dogs - I love dogs! But I hate their yapping - please, PLEASE can you stop letting them out to bark their little heads off before 8 am and after 11pm, it is driving me demented!

And during the day, too, please can you try more effective methods to shut them up than just saying "Be quiet". That clearly doesn't work. YOU may be so attuned to the yapping you can't hear it any more. But I CAN!!

Dogs should bark when someone comes to the door, during thunderstorms, when a cat crosses their patch, to say hello to another dog. But constant yapping should be checked!

Thanks,
Julie

2010-06-17T23:12:00.005+01:00

I have tried and tried, begged and BEGGED for some help in the house. Nothing major just to sort out the clean underwear once a week and push the hoover around the ground floor twice a week.

But clearly my begging, bribing, cajoling, pleading, yelling etc has no effect. I'm now working full time (including two days when I'm out the house from 8.15 to 8.15), trying to keep my small business going and STILL doing virtually all the housework and gardening (as hubby works even longer hours!)

I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired. I'm nearly 50 and I'm doing more than I did when I was 20 or 30!

Last night after a fabulous Green Day concert, I felt so happy. And tonight I feel so ...crappy.

Oh well...tomorrow is another day!

2010-05-22T18:02:00.002+01:00

Thanks to everyone who made such supportive comments on my last post; I'm so grateful to all of you who stop by and encourage me when i'm feeling low!

One of my "things" on wedding shoots is looking for people taking photos and photographing them and if i can catch the image on the back of the camera that's an added vbonus. Here is a shot of the camcorder screen with the screen in focus and the subject thrown out of foucus - I like it, hope you do too.

Another busy week has flown by and i can see I'm going to need to be more disciplined about time now I'm working full time. I also rode this week and i've spent quite a bit of time creating a wedding album for M&K. I'm so enjoying that but it is painstaking work and I get quite absorbed, only to realise hours have flown by!

We got our new sample albums through this week and they are GORGEOUS; more expensive than the ones we currently use but really outstanding. I can't wait to photograph them and put them on the website.

In between everything else I'm gardening every moment i can. I am thrilled my potatoes in sacks are growing like crazy. I just love this time of year in the garden when everything is fresh and lush.

It's boiling hot tonight and Phil is doing a BBQ - better see if he needs a hand!

2010-05-15T23:09:00.002+01:00

Sometimes I get really disheartened. I don't know what makes one day, one mood so different from the previous one.

I wonder if I expect too much from myself. I don't like doing anything less than well. That makes it all too easy for me to give up if things seem too difficult or beyond my capabilities. I'm not very patient either. I look at Sian riding and wish like mad I could magically transform myself into a rider of her standard, instead of having to painfully and effortfully start at the beginning and relearn all the basics with a body that's 30 years older than when I last rode seriously!

I love the wedding photography but sometimes I think I should just give up because I'm only going to fail at that, eventually...

Those old friendship issues have popped up again; I'm going through one of those "I have no friends!" phases - when I can't believe that anyone likes me really but they just sort of tolerate having me around! I miss Karen like mad at times like this; she'd always talk sense into me and tell me not to be such a miserable pain in the backside. At times like this I feel so stupid and needy - but I have to hold on and believe it will pass.

I'm still occasionally fretting over what i thought was a close friendship that just ended really oddly; I want to know WHY and yet I'm also afraid of knowing. Oh dear, I even annoy myself when I get like this!

2010-05-13T23:46:00.002+01:00

Two detail images from our most recent wedding; we had a fabulous time and the couple are very happy with our work - my cup runneth over!

I have been so busy editing photos and also starting to put together an album for another couple at the same time as starting full-time hours. I'm pretty tired. I love doing the albums though. I have this weird mental block about starting one but once I have, I find it hard to leave off.

I am hoping we might get some bookings from this latest wedding - this business is so crowded and SO competitive and personal recommendations are the best way to get more clients. I am just more and more in love with wedding photography with each wedding I do. I know that Phil & put our hearts and souls into the business because it means so much to us both.

I've had a health scare but am relieved to report all is well. I can't fault the NHS; I got seen by a specialist really quickly and had anything been amiss it would have been caught early!

I can see my blogging will be sporadic; I can only do so much LOL and with a business, a job, a family and volunteering plus all the other stuff like gardening, cooking, housework and riding something has got to give. I am reading blogs but not always commenting. I have to keep up with what my blogfriends are up to!

And now this tired old blogger is off to bed...

2010-04-17T17:34:00.002+01:00

Palm House, Sefton Park, Liverpool

I've had a big decision to make this week and it sort of came out of the blue. In a way, though, it's been hovering for a few years now.

Nearly 17 years ago, I gave up full-time work for jobshare to raise my daughters. I was lucky to be able to do this - no backward step in my career yet the time to spend with my girls.

As the years went by, they got older and one day I had the opportunity to extend my hours by one day a week as my jobshare partner was offered a secondment. This was great - more money, more hours, yet I could choose if I did them or not and I still got to spend some time at home.

Of course I knew that this situation wouldn't last for ever, and when my former job share partner got another job a few weeks ago I felt a bit uneasy. But no-one said anything so I sort of hoped the status quo would just continue.

Then on Thursday I had a phone call with an ultimatum. Go full time or revert to jobshare hours and please decide today, as we want to advertise the other half of your job tomorrow...

No time to discuss things with Phil or the girls: I dashed off a couple of texts and they all replied saying "it's up to you - you have our support whatever".

To cut a long story short, I decided on "full time". At least for six months. If the weddings really take off, I'll rethink but for now we have no bookings beyond December. Next year Kate will be off to uni; before that she's going to be learning to drive. We can use the extra money and I can't really kid myself they "need" me at home much these days! I can't see myself reverting to just two days a week again; often when I am off I find myself wasting time. Maybe if I have less free time I'll value it more and utilise it better!

So...I'd be lying if I didn't have some doubts about how I'll cope - 17 years of part-time hours is a hard habit to break. I'm also not sure how I'll cope with all the chores - maybe a cleaner is on the cards?? My gut is saying I've made the right decision - we'll just have to see how it works out!

2010-04-13T16:14:00.003+01:00

It is so long since I've blogged and I can't really say why - I have been trying to spend less time on the computer lately; plus I've not been feeling 100% lately!

The above photo was taken on the walkway between the carpark and the John Lewis store in Liverpool 1 - both Phil & I love this spot and I would LOVE to photograph a bride here - not much chance of that ever happening but I love the way the light falls and the geometric shadows and patterns.
Last Friday Phil and I had a day out in Yorkshire and he was kind enough to spend some time helping me shoot a waterfall; I wanted to get that "milky water" look. It was fun and it was nice to take time over an image as poosed to the high-pressure wedding stuff.

2010-03-15T11:38:00.002Z

For my mum Edwina Rose - so much missed and loved, every day of my life. I am sorry I let you down the way I did.I hope you can forgive me. I love you, Mum xxx

And for June, my dearly loved mother-in-law. Get well, dearest June, we need and love you so much. xxx

Mother

Mother is just a little girl who trod my path before me;
Just a bigger wiser little girl who ran ahead.
Bigger, stronger, wiser girl who always watches o'er me.
One who knows the pitfalls in the rugged road I tread.

Mother is a playmate who will always treat me kindly -
Playmate who will yield me what true happiness demands.
She will never let my feet stray into brambles blindly -
Mother's just a bigger little girl who understands.

Mother is an older little playmate who'll befriend me -
Yesteryear she travelled in the path that's mine today.
Never need I fear a foe from which she may defend me -
Faithful little pal who ran ahead and learned the way.

Author Unknown

Mother's Day is always bittersweet for me. I so wish Mum was still here to share this day with me and the grand-daughters she never got to know.

2010-03-14T20:52:00.002Z

I am feeling very guilty as I have been very bad at commenting on blogs lately - I do apologise. I have been visiting you all and keeping up with what's going on but somehow the extra effort involved in posting a comment has been a step too far for me - I'm shattered. Everything seems to require huge amounts of energy and I have been working quite a few extra hours which have soaked up a lot plus I'm trying to get back into my exercise routine.

The housework is building up and the spring sunshine is really cruel, showing up all the dirt and dust accumulating everywhere. I need to do massive amounts of cleaning but i can't find the time or the energy!

My "To Do" list keeps getting longer; i have stuff to do at work, for the business, in the house and on a personal level. Help!!

On the positive side; I'm enjoying (well, LOVING) riding again. Life is ok, fab at times...but I haven't enough hours in the day for stuff.

I'll make sure I'm a better blog friend in future; I promise!

2010-02-15T13:48:00.002Z

On Saturday I finally got the email I'd been waiting for - to tell me that our latest couple are happy with their photos. The feelings of relief and delight that follow are almost overwhelming. The fear that you will let down a couple on their "big day" is so intense - and this couple were SO special. We were also extra nervous as it was a winter wedding in a very dark location so we had to be extra creative with lighting and use new equipment we'd bought specially for this day.

I'm really happy this week for another reason; I'm off work :) Well, my other job, I hope to do some work in the photography line as well as copious amounts of my beloved pottering, maybe with a bit of de-cluttering thrown in for good measure :)

Valentine's Day was lovely: Phil got me the nicest card EVER and a heart-shaped charm for my bracelet which is now, sadly, FULL! I got him 2 series of ER on DVD. We didn't do much (I pottered in the garden, Phil on the computer) and eventually I cooked a romantic Tandoori chicken dinner for 3 (me, Phil & Kate, Sian was out) Then we watched TV and went to bed.

We have been through our share of really bad times but just now things are pretty OK and I love him excessively! not bad after almost 27 years of being together...

No doubt this post will jinx us and soon I'll be writing about how terrible our marriage is! But right now I'm a very happy bunny.

2010-02-08T14:35:00.001Z

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

I normally like to post a poem for Phil on Valentine's Day and here is one by Carol Ann Duffy. I had the pleasure of meeting and photographing Carol Ann Duffy at our Bookfest in October - she's an amazing person and if you ever get the chance to hear her read, don't miss it!

Valentine by Carol Ann Duffy

Not a red rose or a satin heart.

I give you an onion.
It is a moon wrapped in brown paper.
It promises light
like the careful undressing of love.

Here.
It will blind you with tears
like a lover.
It will make your reflection
a wobbling photo of grief.

I am trying to be truthful.

Not a cute card or a kissogram.

I give you an onion.
Its fierce kiss will stay on your lips,
possessive and faithful
as we are,
for as long as we are.

Take it.
Its platinum loops shrink to a wedding-ring,
if you like.

Lethal.
Its scent will cling to your fingers,
cling to your knife.

Love you so much, Phil!

2010-02-08T14:05:00.004Z

I'm regressing to my childhood....every morning recently I've woken up very frightened thinking "I want my mum"! How bizarre is THAT? I'm not far off fifty and my mum has been dead for 20 years but ...I guess I still need her. I would really love to have a huge, cleansing, full-throttle CRYING SESSION followed by a great big cuddle from Mum - who wouldn't do anything much, just let me get it all out.

I've been SO down since January; really struggling to hold things together. Just out of interest I've revisited my blog posts for February last year and find that I was anxious and stressed and down then too - re-reading those posts has somehow been very comforting - I find myself able to say (and believe) that "this too will pass".

Anyway, I was going to write a really cathartic post about how bloody miserable and anxious and tearful I am but realising I wrote all that a mere 12 months ago has sort of put me off. Instead I'll try to dredge up some shreds of POSITIVITY (not optimism, I don't do optimism!) The months of January & February are not particularly cheering in any case, are they? I usually try to enjoy each day (yeah, RIGHT, good luck with that, as Sian would say!)but I do feel these gloomy weeks are barely endurable. I hate to look out and see my garden covered in dead foliage and slimy green moss encroaching everywhere. Time to get my vegetable growing book out and start planning for spring plantings I think.

Last week at work was really REALLY horrible but looking back I can (sort of) see there were some good parts. Like how kind some people were, how supportive. I also managed to get through it, although I can tell you that on Friday morning I REALLY didn't want to get out of bed, let alone leave the bedroom, far less the actual house!

I suppose the old cliche about what doesn't kill you making you stronger has some truth in it after all.

Thanks to everyone who took the trouble to comment on my "I quit!" post! I am so grateful for knowing I'm not alone and also for the helpful suggestions. Things have improved a little on the home front since then and family relations are fairly cordial again :)

2010-01-28T22:25:00.003Z

That's it, I quit. My job. Not my job in the library - no, that earns me a salary each month, I'm part of a team and I have the satisfaction of helping people who by and large are grateful and appreciative. I'm not quitting the wedding photography job either. It's stressful and it's a lot of effort but it's rewarding when the happy couple are pleased with what you've done for them. Nor my voluntary job with RDA which pays me back in spades with the sense of helping disadvantaged people get a bit more out of life...

No, the job I'm quitting is unpaid in any monetary way and I don't get any thanks for it either. It's general maid, cook, chaueffeur and dogsbody to two teenage princesses who barely lift a finger unless it's to tap keys on the computer. I have begged and pleaded for minimum amounts of help - the occasional cup of tea, the occasional push around of the Hoover. That cups and plates be removed to the kitchen. I don't even ask them to do dishes.It would mean SO MUCH to me, just those little bits of help.

But they toil not, neither do they spin. And I've had it. I quit.

2010-01-19T18:08:00.004Z

10 things that make me happy - in NO PARTICULAR ORDER!!!(tagged by Incessant Ramblings)

1. Animals - my cats Basil & Shea. I wrote a whole post about them the other day. They bring so much laughter and love to my life. I'd be lost without them. The horses at the stables where Sian rides and I do RDA..... I love everything about horses, the smell, the sound, the feel of them. A wonderful cure for stresses and worries. Any passing friendly dog in the street who will let me stop him for a cuddle and a quick chat.

2. My camera. At long last I have found a creative outlet in my life. It's also something I can share with Phil, after years and years of it being something he did that just annoyed the hell out of me!! I have met some great friends through photography and I've also managed to earn some money out of wedding photography. This stresses the hell out of me but the high you get when the couple love their photos is unbelievable. I love how my camera (s) look & feel - like friends.

3. My husband Phil (is he a thing??) we've had plenty of ups and downs but he is my rock. Not the affectionate or romantic type, he's nevertheless the centre of my world.When things are crap he helps me put things in perspective. He's my opposite in many ways which is just as well, as one like me in any relationship is more than enough!

4. The cinema. Oh, I love the movies! The thrill of settling down in your big comfy seat as the lights dim and the Pearl & Dean music starts. I like films generally but seeing them in the cinema is the best.

5. The first day of a holiday. It's great, you've unpacked and the whole holiday is still ahead. All that anticipation. it's hard to beat.There have been no disappointing days, no cries of "I'm bored!" or "Not ANOTHER National Trust house, PLEASE!!!" After about a week of a two-week break I start to get depressed about the holiday being nearly over! Christmas Eve has that same joyful anticipation untainted by grim reality. Maybe what I'm really saying makes me happy is ANTICIPATION!

6. The colour blue. I just love it. I am so drawn to blue in photos, pictures, scenes. Blue sea, blue skies, blue eyes...blue flowers, so rare and so varied. Blue light as in the photo above.

7. Pottering - oh, I could write a book on the joys of pottering. Pottering (as opposed to vegging out) is how I like to relax. I am known to hug myself and do a little dance of glee with the prospect of a day's pottering ahead of me. Indoor pottering (tidying kitchen cupboards or going through my wardrobe, a bit of gentle baking, maybe cleaning the silver & brass)or outdoor pottering (weeding, planting flowers in pots, pruning)Never underestimate the potential pleasures of a day with nothing much to do and all day to do it in. The fact that it is rare that I don't have a whole list of urgent tasks to cram into a couple of hours makes it all the more joyfilled.

8. Our home. When I read on the news about people losing their homes it fills me with horror. I know that things are just things and life is about more than possessions but my home is my haven, my safe refuge. It's just an ordinary little house on an ordinary little street in an unremarkable village in Cheshire, but it's HOME.

9. My daughters. Well, they sometimes read my blog and if I left them out while putting the cats IN they'd give me hell. Last night for some reason we got out the baby photo albums. How is it possible those two cute and cuddly babies are now beautful teenagers? (and as a sidenote how is it possible I have had so many bad hairdos and pairs of glasses???) I was never the maternal type, didn't really like or understand children, I had my first baby rather because it seemed to be expected. I rather enjoyed being pregnant but nothing prepares you for the shock of actually producing a whole other person, does it? After a couple of shaky years I settled into motherhood and now I am astonished only at how much I love them. And how happy they make me. I like them both so much too.

10. The internet. Yes, I know it can be a thing of evil but it has brought ME so much happiness. Friendships for one - some of my closest friends live on other continents, I would never have met them without the internet. Imagine...my life without K, A and T - no, I can't imagine it! The friends I've made through blogging and online forums, the fun of Facebook - the internet is like a window on the world. So much information so readily available. I can shop at midnight in my dressing gown, check weather reports and cinema times - amazing! I could equally write a post about why the internet makes me unhappy but today I'm looking on the positive side of life - for once!

Now I've reached the end I'm thinking of all the other things I could have mentioned like friends, work, volunteering, books, music, walks, margaritas....I could go on and on. Life is really full of things that make me happy and it's nice to be reminded of that from time to time. I'm only going to tag Quiet Rage as she is so great at telling us what makes her cross but if anyone else fancies doing this, please let me know so i can read your choices.

2010-01-06T17:33:00.002Z

Yesterday afternoon and evening we had a lot of snow! Phil, Sian and I all love snow and went out for a walk in the evening. It was magical - there were a few other mad souls out, throwing snow balls and building snowmen. It's funny to see how grown men can suddenly get very primitive when it comes to a snowball battle!!!!

This morning Phil & I got up before sunrise and walked round and up Helsby Hill. The girls weren't going into school and I don't work Wednesdays; Phil decided to work from home. Our walk was just wonderful - words fail me to describe it - when the sun came up and shone across the snow covered fields and lit up the bare branches of trees heavily laden with snow....well, it was so beautiful it was almost too much!

Snow transforms the mundane into something out of this world. I know the snow is hazardous and has caused chaos across the UK but I'm still in awe of the magnificence of a snow-covered landscape.

Phil took today's photo; I didn't take my camera in case i fell over in the snow and smashed it (not goid when we have a wedding in less than two weeks!)

Later this afternoon I went to TESCO - Kate fainted in the snow and told me only a Krispey Kreme donut would make her better so off I set like the loving mum I (sometimes!) am! I was astonished to find the shelves bare of semi-skimmed milk and lots of people going out with bags cat litter (supposedly a good substitute for grit!)- the papers are right, panic-buying is going on! I was also taken aback to see my first hot cross buns!! It is still only January, right?

I am NOT looking forward to going to work tomorrow, especially as our heating has packed in. Should be an interesting trip, to say the least...

2010-01-04T15:43:00.001Z

Happy New Year to my fellow bloggers!

All the decorations are down the house looks bare and the girls are back at school. I can't believe how fast the holidays have gone. Parts of Christmas were great, others not so good, I suppose that's true of every year. I feel a bit low, though, now it's all over.

It contines very cold here although we haven't had much snow. We drove into Wales yesterday and found loads of the stuff - I'm quite jealous! But it was -5C when I went out this morning even here in Helsby.

I've got a bad cold but at least it held off until after New Year to really get going. So it didn't spoil the party on New Year's eve or the visit of Phil's parents on Jan 1st.

I've just opened a business account for my photography. It all feels really "official"! our nest wedding is in just under 2 weeks and already the nerves/fear are kicking in!

2009-12-23T11:33:00.002Z

Basil

Shea

As I'm working tomorrow this will be my last blog post before Christmas. And I am going to dedicate it to Basil & Shea, the two furry members of the Mann household.

As I look back on the year almost ending, I can remember the ups and downs, the fun and the sadness - nothing unusual there. The latter part of 2009 has certainly held at lot of sorrow for our family and we face 2010 with a great deal of trepidation. But through everything, there has been the constant companionship and joy of our two cats.

I'm lucky enough to have two great jobs, a lovely extended family, kind and loyal friends. And I am so grateful to them all. But today I'm saying a huge "thank you" to Basil and Shea who literally bring love, laughter and fun into every single day. They are "only cats" yet they mean so much to all of us. They are "only cats" but they are truly members of our family.

I was brought up with dogs and never lived with a cat until my marriage. For 17 years we had two cats and my beloved dog, Charlie. I hope one day I'll have a dog again. I used to think cats were aloof, distant creatures, lovely but cold. You needed a dog, I felt, for love, loyalty, companionship.

But....You could not meet two more loving, loyal and companionable animals than B & S. Basil is rotund, genial and extremely excentric; he talks a lot, chews things like a dog and has to be with you; if we are not around he joins my neighbour for a chat and stroke. Shea is delicate, fastidious, likes to play fetch and is slightly needy yet ventures further than his mate in his explorations round the neighbourhood. He too loves to be close. He loves to come for a long cuddle under the duvet with me every morning. They live with us because they choose to, no fences keep them in, nothing compels them to stay with us most of the time.

I'm not stupid; I know my cats aren't people; I don't want them to be. They are cats. They are great cats - the best cats in MY world. They make us very happy. They cheer us up when the gloom descends. We all love them very much. And they love us.

So thank you, my feline pals, for being there, for being are friends.

Finally.....A very Merry Christmas to all my blog friends; who make life so much brighter every day for this compulsive worrier; bless you all and keep you safe this festive period.

2009-12-16T12:38:00.006Z

Feeling festive

I have really enjoyed the last three days; I've been off work and indulging in my favourite occupation of "pottering" and Christmas pottering at that!It's nice to have some extra time to get stuff done at a leisurely pace instead of at ninety miles an hour.

I've even got all of Phil's gifts wrapped; normally i'm doing THAT on Christmas Eve. We put the tree and all the decorations up on Saturday but as usual our bloody fairy lights are temperamental and keeping going off. I get in a total panic at the idea of a dark tree on Christmas Day so I went out on Monday and bought a spare set of lights...then paranoia set in! What if THOSE lights also failed, said the neurotic little voice in my head??? What will you do then, hmmm? So, off I went today and bought ANOTHER set of lights and if the little voice starts up again I'm going to do my best to ignore it!

This photo is a reflection (on wet pavement) of Liverpool's big wheel. When Phil & I had our Christmas shopping day the other week I took along my new camera and risked being searched by the police to take a few pics.

We had friends round on Sunday which was lovely and on Monday night it was the RDA helpers party which was great as always. Last night was our work Christmas "do" which was a brilliant night, full of fun and frivolity and laughter; I'm so lucky I have such great colleagues to work with. Tonight I'm home but on Thursday after work I'm meeting up with my local girlfriends for Christmas drinks and Secret Santa; I wonder who will get the nipple tassels THIS year?? Friday is a festive lunch with our Friday morning reading group, then Monday next week is our photographic society Christmas party which I seem to be organising and on Tuesday I'm meeting up with Annie in Chester for lunch and in the evening it's dinner with an old mate. You'd think I had a great social life but honestly; the rest of the year is pretty much a party-free zone!

On Sunday morning Phil decided to get up for dawn and as dawn isn't exactly early this month I decided to go with him. We drove out to Loggerheads and although it wasn't exactly stunning photographically it was great to be up and about before the sun and taking some photos. This is one of mine.

Well, must go, time to potter some more...

2009-12-05T20:52:00.002Z

There are some events that make you realise exactly what is and isn't important in life. This blog is called the compulsive worrier because that is what I do, most of the time. I don't really know why - but I am the sort of person who worries if she has nothing to worry about.

Today Sian came off her horse during a riding lesson. For once Phil hadn't come with us as he was nipping into Chester to pick up the very last pair of size 7 Converse trainers in Sole Trader for Sian's Christmas present. As we headed off to the riding school I realised I hadn't got my phone but didn't go back for it as I assumed I wouldn't need it.

Sian was riding Bruno, my favourite horse. He's a gentle and loving horse but he can get overexcited sometimes during lessons. He squealed and shied at nothing a couple of times, but another horse was the one we were all watching as he raced round the school at top speed! Sian was riding really well and coping with B's occasional strange manoeuvres. Until during a canter he bucked once, unseated her, then bucked again and swerved on landing. She so very nearly stayed on but didn't....I watched in horror as she fell off and landed head-first. Everything stopped....

Sian's instructor was holding her head and neck still as she lay crumpled on the ground. The first aider arrived and we decided to call an ambulance as Sian was complaining of head, back and neck pain. I had to borrow a phone to call home and leave a message as I couldn't remember Phil's mobile number and Kate was out too.

Phil met us at the hospital and after x-rays we were told Sian was just badly bruised. She had been really brave and cheerful but was clearly scared. The worst point for Sian was that her much loved Hollister hoodie had to be cut off her!

The staff at the hospital were great, as were the riding school staff.

All sorts of thoughts went through my head while we were waiting to find out how Sian was. I had put off letting Sian ride for two years before I caved in - as a rider myself, i know it's a dangerous sport and that horses are unpredictable, even the best of them. I was wondering if I should have given in and let her start. I'm so proud of her riding skills; and that she shares my love of horses. I wondered if I was living my own dreams through Sian and putting her at risk. All the usual sort of guilty stuff you think when your child's been hurt.

I realised anew that my family and friends are the dearest things in the world to me and the only things worth worrying about. I'm so thankful for the good care Sian received today and grateful beyond words that she's going to be ok.

2009-11-28T15:15:00.002Z

A favourite flower...

It's been a wet and dreary November week, so far it has been a busy Saturday and I'm sitting here at the computer feeling fed up to the back teeth of Christmas and IT'S NOT EVEN DECEMBER YET!!!

My friend Annie has written a great post about the food adverts on TV driving her mad and it's true; it's relentless! The supermarkets are stuffed to the gills with party food and drink and we are all being urged by the minute to buy buy BUY! Are we not in recession? Is the financial meltdown not about to continue with all this trouble in Dubai? Just forget it and go and buy a million mini-toad in the holes in ASDA!

I used to really love Christmas; many of my favourite memories are to do with Christmas. My mum and dad used to decorate my bedroom and tell me the fairies had done it while I was at school/college/work and this went on until I was (I admit it!) 25! The first few Christmasses after we had kids were especially wonderful and even now I'll say Christmas Eve is my favourite day of the year. But these days Christmas starts so early that I'm bored with it before it even arrives.

Here are some things I hate about Christmas:

Christmas decorations going up ANYWHERE before 1st December. Our TESCO had it's tree up in October. Someone down the road has already got their outside lights up and switched on. In December, it's wonderful. But not before!
Christmas stuff in the shops in August. Primark start selling their Christmas range then, I promise you...
People who struggle round the supermarket pushing TWO trolleys heaped with stuff on Christmas Eve, WHY???????? The shops are usually open again on Boxing Day....who are they feeding?
"Santa stop here" signs. God, I HATE these. I want to pull down each one I see and snap it into little bits. But i have no idea why...they affect me they way those "Baby on Board" car stickers do...
Christmas food and drink adverts. We are getting fatter. We don't need encouraging to eat MORE.
Those big boxes of Roses, Quality Street, Celebrations and Heroes. I cannot resist them. Yet there are around 55 calories in each bloody chocolate...and they lurk everywhere at Christmas.
Gift sets of obscure toiletries with scents like "Winter Musk" - ugh.
Those magazine features on "Perfect gifts for him/her". One I read recently featured a dinky vanity case for her for £700!! Plus a suggestion that hubbys buy their wives a "weekend spa voucher" to help them "recover after the festivities"...I'd like to see Phil's face if I suggested that to him!
Christmas cards - buying them, writing them, displaying them. I quite like getting them, oddly enough!
Wrapping presents. I can't do it. I have wrapping dyspraxia. And it seems such a waste of effort. What about those articles you read where people get all creative with raffia/brown paper etc and spray bay leaves gold to stick on the fab parcels ....makes me feel inadequate.
Crowded shops full of Christmas shoppers in bad tempers- surely a foretaste of Hell? Thank God for internet shopping.
Photocopied "round robin" Christmas letters from people you never see, full of arch boasting and one-up-manship.
Getting out the tree lights - oh God, I can feel my IBS revving up as I type. The sick feeling in my stomach as Phil spreads them out, plugs them in and they FAIL TO LIGHT UP! The long period as he fiddles and twiddles with each bulb, while the girls and I sit in tense silence. The realisation that we have to go out and buy ANOTHER set of lights from an overcrowded garden centre YET AGAIN. When I was little we had the same two strings of lights every year; they never failed. It's weird...
The way we seem to have avoid any possible religious element to Christmas in case we offend other faiths who I'm sure are far too sensible and secure in their own beliefs to care about ours!
The word "Xmas".
Doing aerobics to disco versions of Christmas carols ( it's just wrong and no fun at all!!) Bring back Beyonce & Lady Gaga

But despite all these things, there is a "something" about Christmas that still retains it's magic. I am, in my quiet way, a Christian, and the story of the nativity always fills me with joy and wonder. I love being with my family and friends, to eat and drink with them (but not until I'm in a stupor!) I love Christmas trees and Christmas lights and tinsel and all those tacky Christmas songs. I love carols and mince pies and filling stockings. Oh, and Jane's mince pies. Yum!!! They are THE BEST.

But not yet. It would be all the sweeter if it lasted only a couple of weeks instead of half a dozen.

Bah humbug...

2009-11-22T22:43:00.002Z

I haven't blogged for ages; things have been quite frenetic here! This photo is by way of a tribute to Kerri who is one of my blog friends and the most wonderful nature and wildlife photographer. While we were in Kent this summer I spent ages trying to capture some butterflies, inspired by Kerri, who is a genius at this type of photography. In this dark, damp November, it's nice to look back on the summer sunshine we enjoyed in August!

My lovely mother in law has had her first chemo; it seemed to go ok and so far the side-effects have not been too bad. Please, keep her in your thoughts and prayers, as well as my sister in law in New Zealand who is at home recovering from a major operation.

We have had some good news this week; how nice it is to write that! Our niece Steph (daughter of sister in law in NZ) is expecting her first baby in May. We are all so excited for her.

You may have seen news coverage of the floods in Cumbria a couple of days ago. Our friends D and J live in Keswick and their home was flooded in 2005. Afterwards they had to live in a small caravan (trailer) on their drive for 8 months while their house was repaired. They run an animal rescue charity from their home and somehow they managed to keep this going.

Anyway, we heard on Friday that their home is flooded AGAIN. I am gutted for them. They have had a lot to deal with over the past few years and now this happens again. They are both in their sixties and not in the best of health. It all seems so unfair!

I'm trying to get my head around the approach of Christmas and we've done some shopping! Not surprisingly, we don't feel madly festive this year! I always miss mum and dad so much at Christmas; even after all these years it still hurts. However, with all that's happened lately I'm doing my best to be positive and count the many blessings we still have.

I have barely touched my new camera; isn't that shocking? I have been feeling so anxious I just haven't felt inspired to pick it up. I'm determined that's going to change over the next few days: besides I really need to get to grips with it before our next wedding in January.

Time for bed...

2009-11-08T15:52:00.002Z

This week has been another roller-coaster of emotional ups and downs: I honestly don't really know how I'm feeling from one minute to the next! The photo shows Kate & Sian paddling in a river near Watendlath proving that even big girls of 16 & 14 can enjoy the pleasures of wading in wellies!

I bought a new camera this week. We have four wedding bookings already for next year and I don't think my little D40, which is really an entry-level DSLR, is up to some of the challenging lighting situations every wedding seems to throw up. As I have arthritis in my hands and shoulders, I have to be wary of how much a camera weighs, especially when my beloved (but heavy!) Sigma lens is attached to it. So I went for the D90, the updated version of the other camera I own, the D80.

We went into Chester on Saturday afternoon; it was frantically busy and I was amazed to see that Christmas shopping seems well underway already! I loathe the shops when it's busy and could feel myself getting crosser and crosser every time someone bashed me with their parcels! However, it did bring home to me that we haven't got long to buy stuff and so we did actually buy a few presents like perfume for the girls and a few stocking fillers. i have such mixed feelings about Christmas this year!

2009-11-04T22:12:00.002Z

Colours of autumn

Sometimes tiny landscapes can be just as evocative as larger ones (if not more so!) To be honest I don't think my heart is in landscape photography. Phil is so much better than I am and he has the right sort of vision as well as patience! I prefer photographing people and I also enjoy cityscapes and detail shots as well as the quirky and the unusual. The photo above was taken in the garden of the cafe in Watendlath, a hamlet near Keswick.

Ullswater

Although our holiday was not a stress-free time we did enjoy a lot of happy hours together. This view of Ullwater was taken on the Monday, when we took the steamer to Howtown and then walked back along the lakeside. The walk was full of memories of my dog Charlie: I always felt it was one of his favourite walks. At times I could almost imagine him trotting ahead of me. I miss him so much, especially so in the Lakes, a place he adored. It was full of water and walks for him, absolute paradise! His ashes are scattered on the banks of Derwentwater; one day Phil & I will join him there.

Open-air ablutions?

Here's my quirky photo of the holiday, which was also taken in Watendlath. The walk from Surprise View is another favourite of mine, partly as it can incorporate a stop at the little cafe in the hamlet. We had very nice gingerbread this visit! The garden where you sit to enjoy your coffees and snacks is full of very bold chaffinches who demand crumbs with menaces! Phil called me over to show me this imaginative corner; I was only disappointed that they hadn't included a toilet!

It has been quite a busy week so far; on Monday I was in the middle of a major cleaning/tidying session at home when I was called into work as there was a staffing crisis! Tuesday wasn't much better as I had three staff off sick and one on leave! Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Today I did more of the cleaning/tidying (I am a bit obsessive about that right now!!!!) as well as Riding for the Disabled which as usual was fab and really lifted my spirits.

2009-11-01T14:14:00.002Z

We went away for half-term to Keswick in the Lake District. It was not a perfect holiday by any means! Oh, there were good things about it (I always love us being together away from the Internet and satellite TV LOL!)like long walks and games of Scrabble and seeing our friends David & Joyce. Despite appalling weather forecasts every night, most days were dry and very mild.

However, there was one major problem that I simply can't blog about it; maybe one day it will become one of those family legends you all laugh about but right now it's just NOT FUNNY AT ALL!

Life feels so weird at the moment; all sorts of little things are going wrong, household appliances are breaking, things are just STRANGE. Underlying it all is the fact that three very close family members are ill, two of them very seriously. Compared to that everything else is just white noise; but the white noise seems to be a reflection of how things around us seem to be completely out of kilter....

2009-10-19T16:25:00.002+01:00

Bateman's - Home of Rudyard Kipling

This is a view of the above; one of the loveliest homes we saw during our summer holiday. We all agreed we would feel right at home there!

Yesterday we went to see some potential wedding clients. They had attended Chris & Katy's wedding in September and we were recomended. That was so kind of Chris & Katy! We really enjoyed meeting B & S again and S's parents at their beautiful farm house. Today I heard that they are booking us, which is lovely.

On the way home, we stopped the car to look at a map. Suddenly we heard a HUGE bang and looked up to see a car buried in a tree across the road! I rushed over to see if I could help the driver whilst phoning for the police and ambulance. To my huge relief the driver was ok, just very shocked and a bit sore in places. Phil was busy comforting the other driver. I have no idea who was to blame; they both seemed like really nice, genuine people and I'm just thankful no-one was seriously injured!

I've spent most of today with my mum in law. I love her SO MUCH. It hurts so much to see her frightened. I just want to "fix her", make everything go away and I know I can't.

2009-10-18T14:43:00.002+01:00

I was lucky enough to see & hear the Poet Laureate, Carol Ann Duffy, when she appeared at Wirral libraries' BookFest last Monday. I was taking the photos on the night and here is one of Carol Ann with three incredibly talented young Wirral poets. Carol Ann is not only a great poet but a very friendly and down to earth lady with a great sense of humour!

2009-10-17T22:19:00.002+01:00

We found an old manor house on one of days out in Kent; it was very small and felt very peaceful in the heat of an August day. I liked the misty glass in the leaded windows and the glimpse of red amongst the green foliage.The summer seems so far away now but we are having a beautiful autumn so far.

WHAT a week; it was Wirral Libraries' BookFest and I worked a lot of extra hours. Every event seemed to go pretty well, though. I got to take quite a lot of photos which I haven't had a chance to process yet. The week was full of challenges but I really enjoyed most of it; it was fun! i have been very short of time: i have been visiting blogs and reading all your posts even though I may not always have commented.

Phil's mum is recovering after her big operation but prayers and positive thoughts are still needed. She is being really brave. When I see her smile I know I would not be so cheerful under the same circumstances.

Oh dear, I had a nasty shock today. There was an AWFUL photo of me in the local paper! A couple of weeks ago RDA held the world's biggest riding lessoon to celebrate its 40th anniversary and our group at Foxes took part. Well, there was a reporter there and she got a photo of me leading Candy and I look terrible; tatty hair, baggy t-shirt billowing over the coat tied round my hips, double chins, the LOT! The sort of photo that people stick on the fridge to put them off eating! I was mortified! But at least our rider, ally , looks fab. Ally could hardly sit up when she started last term and now she has great balance. It's so encouraging to see her enjoying her riding and getting better each week. RDA is one of the best parts of my week - my life! I'm so lucky to get to do it!

We have had three enquiries for weddings in the past week. It's funny how you can have nothing for ages and then three come along at once!

2009-09-30T11:10:00.002+01:00

Some things are just too huge, too scary, to write about!

My wonderful mother in law has been very poorly for some time now. Yesterday she had a major operation. Thank God she came through it and is resting comfortably this morning! This is only the start - but it is a good start at least.

Please send positive thoughts/prayers to June and to her family. She is very much loved and needed by us all.

2009-09-24T10:23:00.000+01:00

I had such a lovely time the evening this photo was taken. Phil and I had gone out to the village of Penshurst in Kent to take some photos in the evening light. The church has such an unusual tower.

Our holiday seems such a long time ago. Life is a bit of a rollercoaster right now. The weekend was a big "down", then midweek some good news whooshed us back up again at least part of the way. Today brought another steep descent.

I'm just wondering...what's next?

2009-09-23T16:24:00.001+01:00

I am truly honoured to have been given this lovely award from Scriptor Senex
Thank you so much; it means A LOT to me!

2009-09-23T10:43:00.002+01:00

I'm so happy this morning!

I just got a call from our most recent wedding clients - they have just seen the photos and they are so pleased with them! And they are going to recommend us - so kind!

They are such lovely people and I'm so incredibly thrilled that they got the images they wanted. I feel like the luckiest photographer in the world right now!

2009-09-22T18:23:00.004+01:00

Sock punk....

Sometimes I think I'm quite young at heart and reasonably up to date. Thanks to music channels & two teenage daughters I know and like a lot of the current music. I'm up to date on my celebrity gossip and I've even read most of the popular teen books like the Twilight series. I often find myself inserting "like" into every sentence (eg. " It was, like, so exciting!") But every now and again reality strikes....

Like the other day when I arrived home and Sian let me in. "Sock, punk" she said as I passed on my way to the kitchen. Hmmm, I thought, sock punk? Is this the new greeting of choice amongst the young? A bit weird but then, so are lots of things....

Some time later I asked Sian what "sock, punk" meant. Looking at me with curled lip/disdainfully raised eyebrow she told me it wasn't in fact "sock punk" but "s'up, punk?" short for, I was told, "What's up, punk?"

However "sock punk" has become the favourite greeting between me, Kate & Sian these days!

"Sock punk" herself...or should that be "Stock punk?"

The other thing that makes me feel old is I can no longer work most of the technology in our house. The other week Phil & I went to COSTCO to buy catfood and came out with a home cinema sound system (as you do), apparently Phil had wanted this for ages. Much connecting of wires and inserting of scart leads followed plus a couple of trips to the outlet village for DIFFERENT leads and bits of stuff and we had surround sound that shook the house (especially when Sian and I watched Terminator 2...)

Now, I think the new bit of kit includes a DVD player ( we already had one but that was also a recorder...) but because we are still missing some bit of kit we can't do something or other or listen to surround sound on something else (are you confused yet, because i certainly am!) and of course it came with a remote control; bringing our living room total to 4. One of which was supposed to be a "master" remote control which you could supposedly program to do all the functions of the others (only it doesn't...) and I can't use that one AT ALL.

I can use the sky remote although I sometimes can't actually get the TV onto the sky channel. I could use the first DVD remote but only to play (recording on the hard drive is still a mystery to me!) I can use the TV remote but then that doesn't do much. The home cinema remote I've hardly dared to touch.

Since the advent of the new kit I can barely get the TV to function. I sit hopelessly pressing and pointing remotes at the TV, crying and swearing with frustration. It's not too bad when Kate is home because she can at least get things to work after a fashion. But when I'm alone in the house it's very depressing...

In the dining room we have freeview which I never figured out and a DVD player. I wanted to use my new Pilates DVD in there the other day (as it's at the back of the house and passers-by won't be able to see me flailing around on the floor trying to do the routines) so I asked Phil how it worked. "Just switch the TV on and put in a DVD and it will automatically come on" he assured me. HA!

It didn't. So there I am hopelessly pressing buttons on the TV remote and the DVD remote and nothings happening. The TV remote needed new batteries but even with this nothing happened. Eventually the girls came home but even they couldn't help so I ended up in the front room with the curtains closed trying not to drop my hand weights on the cat....

When I asked Phil he muttered something about a lead probably having been unplugged so a playstation could be used... NOW he tells me! It's still not working ....

I've turned into one of those elderly people who "don't understand this new-fangled technology" and it's driving me NUTS!!

2009-09-20T01:59:00.002+01:00

I can't sleep for reasons I won't go into right now and am waiting for the phone to ring (it's 2 am on Sunday morning) and I'm blogging to stop my anxiety getting out of control...

I've just finished reading a great book by Liz Jones called "The Exmoor Files" I only started it this afternoon. Liz writes about moving out of London to Exmoor where she buys a large crumbling farm with lots of land and promptly starts aquiring animals - a couple of rescued horses, ponies, lambs, ex-battery chickens, an abandoned sheepdog...and also about trying to get over her failed marriage.

Reading what she says about cruelty to animals ( I SO agree with almost everything she says) I find my own guilt about eating animals raising its head. I became a vegetarian a few months after I married (poor Phil could probably have got a divorce on the grounds of unreasonable ruelty as I then promptly stopped cooking any meat at all!) and remained so until I was pregnant with Sian and succumbed to a bacon buttie. Even after that lapse, I stayed mainly veggie for quite a long time but finaly realised that the lure of meat was too great. I remember, vividly, sinking my teeth into a fabulous beefburger on my first trip to NYC; the taste after so many years of strict vegetarianism, followed by only eating fish andchicken, was so overwhelmingly intense I almost fainted with pleasure.

I still can't bear the look or smell of steak and loathe the smell of a butcher's shop. I prefer not to think of exactly what meat is - flesh of a formerly living animal. Kate & I both stopped eating lamb because we both really like sheep (see picture above!) I'm not so fond of cows but oh, I do love chickens and I feel so guilty eating them!

Here's my dilemma; I'm not sure I can face going veggie again. My family are all carnivores which means I'd often be cooking separate meals. Veggie food is quite labour intensive - you have to think more about what you're cooking if you're not going to end up on a very dull and repetitive regime. On the other hand, I don't want to eat animals so much any more.

For the moment I think I'll compromise by cooking more fish and veggie meals and trying to play down the meat content.

2009-09-16T12:06:00.002+01:00

One of the best places we visited on holiday was Chartwell, home of Winston Churchill. We liked it so much we went twice.

He had a wonderful gift for words and here are some of my favourite Churchill quotes..

Courage consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.

The British nation is unique in this respect. They are the only people who like to be told how bad things are, who like to be told the worst.

You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.

Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.

2009-09-13T11:29:00.002+01:00

We are enjoying a few days of glorious September sunshine - there is something magical about the quality of light you get in autumn as the sun gets lower in the sky. I am sorry last Saturday's wedding wasn't yesterday as the weather was so much nicer.

After several hours of concentrated effort I managed to get the wedding photo editing FINISHED and ended up with around 350 photos; we probably won't use them all but when we add in Phil's pics too we should have a good selection for the couple. It was such a nice feeling to finish; 500+ photos are a lot to go through!

On Friday night I'd cooked a new recipe called Vegetable Tagine; it sounded great and was full of delicious vegetables and spices. I doled out generous helpings and we all sat down to eat. Well, it was DISGUSTING!! It takes some talent to make something so foul out of so many nice ingredients. My kind family were manfully eating it but looked incredibly relieved when I said I couldn't eat mine. So it was fish and chips all round which tasted great!

I haven't had many cooking failures in my life but funnily enough they have all been veggie recipes! There was my first ever veggie meal; apple & lentil loaf which was just about edible and a macaroni cheese where I got the sauce/pasta quantities wrong and ended up with a kind of rubbery glue! The worst ever, though, was the Linda McCartney Christmas roast which cost a fortune to make and was supposed to replace the turkey; it smelled like sweaty feet and went straight in the bin! Last's night's effort was almost as bad as that!

Yesterday was great; we enjoyed watching Sian riding and after lunch Phil and I went for a long walk. Sian was off to a sleepover and the rest of us enjoyed an impromptu BBQ. I made a salad with home-grown tomatoes and there were three ears of corn just ready to pick and grill - yum.

Looks like being another gorgeous day today - could this be a "barbecue autumn" instead of the "barbecue summer" the Met office promised us early in the year?

2009-09-09T18:26:00.002+01:00

Buck's Fizz

Despite having a major worry on my mind, I have had a really enjoyable day. Nothing exciting; just a lovely walk with J & Buster the dog, followed by the first RDA session of the autumn term. The weather has co-operated too, being gloriously sunny!

We didn't have major amounts of sunshine at the wedding on Saturday, just a few gleams, but I did manage to get this shot of the Buck's Fizz illuminated by a few rays.

Earlier in the year I took a photo of our wondeful butchers in Frodsham - similar to this but with Mr & Mrs Coward in the front. The photo was part of an exhibition and I heard yesterday that the Cowards have bought the picture and are going to hang it in their office :) I'm really pleased; apart from wedding photos this is the first picture I've ever sold!

A lifetime's supply of Cowards famous meat pies would have been my choice of payment but I'm well satisfied with my actual payment of £10!

2009-09-07T11:19:00.003+01:00

Me with Clio & Petra

It has been a hectic few days! The library has been reallybusy with children trying to finish off the Summer Reading Challenge and in addition to that we had our last wedding of the year on Saturday. Luckily the rain held off and we had a wonderful day - the couple were absolutely lovely as were their respective families, the venues were great and they even had a horse & carriage! As you may know, I am completely camera-phobic and always avoid having my photo taken but I sneaked a moment with the horses just before they left and I just had to have a photo in case I never get the chance to photograph a horse-drawn carriage again! (Thanks to Robin from "Your carriage awaits" who very kindly took the photo for me!) If you are in the Cheshire area and know of anyone considering a horse-drawn carriage for a special occasion, I'd give them a call. The horses are incredibly well trained and posed beautifully for the photos! They were also impervious to my flash going off in their faces! The carriage is beautiful and the drivers so smartly turned out and helpful.

Yesterday we braved the Trafford Centre to buy Kate some clothes as a "well done" gift for her exam results. As usual i sat for ages in Hollister, people watching and holding clothes for Phil, Kate & sian. I'm too fat for Hollister clothes - Phil, who is slim, can only JUST fit into their extra-large t-shirts! But I did actually buy something; some Hollister scent which is gorgeous!

This final pic is just a grab shot I rather liked. I love the beautifully soft OOF backgrounds I get when I use my much loved 70-200 mm lens.

Now I must procrastinate no more and get on with editing - only another 544 shots to go....

2009-09-02T09:51:00.005+01:00

The giraffe cupboard... after tidying!

As this is my last day before real life starts up again, I've decided to tackle the last remaining area of mess (apart from Phil's bit of the study and the least said about THAT the better...) - the kitchen cupboards.

One set of cupboards is original to the house and has survived a number of kitchen makeovers; despite being threatened with new doors or complete demolition. In my mind I call these cupboards "the giraffe cupboard" in memory of a cupboard in my mum's kitchen. I'm very attached to them for reasons I don't really understand!

We moved house when I was 14, to a new-build semi lacking in any individuality but which my mum swiftly made into a cosy and comfortable home. One quirk it did have was a large deep cupboard built into the kitchen, with an alcove underneath for the fridge. Much of the cupboard was inaccessible for people of normal height and with normal arms so it became a repository of things seldom needed or used although we did keep the crockery and few other everyday items in there right at the front. Mum christened it "the giraffe cupboard" because she said only a giraffe with its height and flexible neck could really see into every corner.

It seemed quite normal for someone to ask "where's that really big vase, the one we hardly ever use?" only to have mum say "it's in the giraffe cupboard - you'll need a chair". Flasks, enormous casserole dishes, jelly moulds, empty biscuit tins etc - all sorts lurked in there, just out of normal reach.

My giraffe cupboard isn't deep but it is tall. I can't really see what is on the top shelf and it's a while since I've been up there so today will be a bit of a voyage of re-discovery!

Still on an animal theme, yesterday I tried on a new top that looked nice from the front but from the back made me look like a zebra's bum! Not flattering & I won't be keeping it!

2009-09-01T11:23:00.002+01:00

At an angle...

I took this photo when we were in London. It's St Pancras Station and has not long been refurbished. I'm not usually one for quirky camera angles but I quite like this even though in retrospect I overdid the angle! Used sparingly they can be quite dynamic but I remember what another photographer once said on the subject "Too many quirky angles is a sign the photographer has run out of ideas..."

I love stations - like airports they always seem full of exciting possibilities and human emotion.

This past weekend was our August Bank Holiday which marks the end of summer for me even though there's often a chance of nice weather in September. The girls go back to school on Thursday and from next week I'll be back to my normal (longer) working hours again. Some things start up again, like RDA which I've really missed, and our local camera club.

We have the final wedding booked for this year on Saturday.

I've been busy de-cluttering the past few days; something I always find therapeutic. I even had a sort out of the garage. It's nice to think I'll be heading back to work with things reasonably organised and sorted in the house.

2009-08-30T15:05:00.000+01:00

We watched the DVD "United 93" last night.

I can't stop thinking about it.

2009-08-29T13:22:00.003+01:00

Sian

I missed Sian's trial ride in the next class up as I was working. Apparently she did very well - second part of the trial is jumping next week - will be there for that.

Today at work passed very quickly as I had lots to do. After next week I'll be back to my normal working hours - I have enjoyed these few weeks of working less and pottering more!

Kate is at a sleepover tonight so it's just the three of us and I think we're going to watch a film. I've had a glass of wine and am feeling MELLOW :)

2009-08-28T00:26:00.002+01:00

Phil and I have been busy editing wedding photos; it's now 12.50 at night and I've just finished! I think my mouse hand is about to drop off!

2009-08-27T17:08:00.002+01:00

Very proud...

Kate got 6 A*s and 5 As in her GCSEs. These included A*s in Chemistry, Biology, Physics & French.
Her dad had tears in his eyes - she has worked so hard and we are all thrilled for her :)

2009-08-26T15:02:00.002+01:00

We photographed a wedding on Saturday and I got a big shock when the bride appeared in a beautiful Rolls Royce! She had told me they were not bothering with wedding cars but using taxis instead; so for a horrible moment I thought I was at the wrong wedding! Apparently her mum and dad had booked the Rolls as a surprise? Wasn't that lovely?

The day was not without incident! The low point was when i realised I'd left my camera bag in the ceremony room and it had been locked! I had both my cameras but all my spare memory cards and my phone were in the bag. Phil had to charge all over the place in sweltering heat to locate someone with a key. I was NOT popular.

Since then I have been busy editing photos and trying not to have a nervous breakdown! Sian's riding lesson on Sunday morning went very well and she has a trial promotion to the next ride up, which makes me very proud! A very busy day at work on Monday helped distract me from my worries and a really lovely day at Annie's yesterday did me the world of good. Annie's little girl is like bottled sunshine and she and Sian had lots of fun together. Annie also set up her studio lighting so we could have a little photography fun, with Sian as our model.

Today I've been shopping in Chester with the girls. It was a pretty grotty day, weather-wise, so a bit of retail therapy was just the ticket. I got two rather glam new bras plus matching knickers in the M&S sale for about a quarter of the original price :)

Tomorrow is GCSE results day and Kate is getting very anxious. I hope she and all her classmates and friends do really well; they have worked so hard!

2009-08-23T20:10:00.002+01:00

Later...

Phil and I have had a good talk about my problem and he has persuaded me to not take any drastic action just yet! Thank goodness I have him.

I am so grateful to everyone who "listens" to me via this blog; your support means a lot!

Sorry for being such a total pain in the a*&%!! Again!

2009-08-23T14:02:00.001+01:00

I have been aware for some time that I'm very unhappy and am not enjoying life nearly as much as I should be. I know why, I'm just not at all sure what I should do about it.

Today it all got too much for me and I know I can't carry on like this. One aspect of my life is blighting my every waking moment. I feel as if I'm walking around with my own personal black cloud over my head and all the joy is being sucked out of life. Even our recent lovely holiday was overshadowed by the worry and gloom I'm carrying around with me. I'm not sleeping well and when i do sleep , i have nightmares!

The trouble is it's not easy to fix and fixing it involves a certain amount of "giving up" and admitting that I've made a mistake. I feel like a failure and a coward .... But I honestly don't know how much longer I can function like this. I feel I'm wasting so much time when I could be happy with my family and friends.

I have tried and tried to beat these feelings but I can't - I just can't. I really don't know what to do - I just know I can't go on like this. The thing is, life can be short - you never know what's waiting round the corner. I feel like I'm wasting "right now" which is all any of us can be sure of - by being in a constant state of worry, anxiety and misery!

Sorry to be so down.

2009-08-19T14:10:00.000+01:00

Guess what the highlight of Sian's holiday was?

This was taken at the Abercrombie & Fitch store in Saville Row, London.

This morning I went shopping with the girls to Cheshire Oaks. All I wanted were some new knickers from M&S but they didn't have the style I wanted in my size. I did buy some 99% cocoa Lindt chocolate though. I have "educated" myself into only eating small amounts of at least 70% and more often than not 85% dark choc instead of loads Cadbury's Dairy Milk and I have surprised myself by really enjoying it. It's funny how a little is satisfying wheras I could happily munch my way through a huge bar of CDM over a couple of days - just keeping on visiting the fridge for another chunk. I think it was the sugar I was craving rather than the chocolate. I have now almost eliminated sugar and caffeine from my diet, something I used to think would be Mission Impossible.

Some fellow Facebook users on the Harcombe Diet are apparently weighing themselves daily and they are making posts saying "up one pound today - must have been those tomatoes!" and similar things. I'm deliberately not weighing myself OR saying I'm trying to lose weight (although that would be nice!) but just trying to eat like a normal human being for the first time in my life. For as long as i can remember weight has been an issue and food has always been a source of guilt rather than pleasure. At my lightest I was about 8.5 stone, size 10 was loose on me and yet I STILL felt fat and ugly.

Today I was tempted to buy some scales but I don't want my life ruled by what number appears on the dial. Weight fluctuates daily due to water retention etc and daily weighing seems utterly pointless and demoralising to me. But I know if I start even weekly weighing, I'll have my week blighted if i've not lost or worse, actually GAINED weight! I'm quite capable of blighting my week with my own worries without weight gain adding to it! My clothes are getting gradually looser (hence need for new knickers!) and at some point I might get around to measuring myself - if I'm feeling brave!

I need to work out some sort of new exercise routine now I've had to leave the gym; but I'll wait until the girls are back at school for that.

2009-08-18T13:44:00.000+01:00

Pots at Hever Castle in Kent

I took Kate off to visit a friend in a neighbouring village this morning and enjoyed the drive back through the lovely Cheshire countryside. I've been attacking the garden since then; very satisfying but I've had to call a halt as I've filled the brown garden stuff recycling bin plus an extra bag AND the compost bin! i've also cut the lawns, swept the drive and tidied the garage. Time for a sit down and a cuppa i think!

I am enjoying being back at home and pottering around in the garden; seeing how everything has grown while I've been away. But I'm sad the holiday is over. Phil is already stressed about returning to the hell that is his job and I'm worrying about our next weddings (I have recently lost ALL confidence in my ability to take decent photos...) Holidays always come to an end and you realise your problems and anxieties are still there waiting for you...there's no escape.

It's certainly cooler and windier here than it was in Kent! But there is no place like home, after all! We were quite relieved to be back in our own bed in our peaceful attic room with no traffic noise that first night, but Phil complained the mattress felt uncomfortably slanted. I ignored him for a bit until I suddenly remembered I'd hidden my earring box under his side of the bed just before going on holiday!!

I am very concerned about an awkward situation I've found myself in; I don't know what to do so for the moment I'm doing nothing! And hoping the right solution will come to me in time!

My dear MIL is having some health problems and we are all worried for her. Please remember her in your thoughts and prayers this week, if you can. I'd be so grateful!

2009-08-17T09:08:00.000+01:00

I think this is my 600th post on this blog! When I started it I never thought i'd stick at it so long or that I'd meet so many interesting people through blogging!

The photo is one of my favourites, taken in New York. Not hard to guess where!

Technology can be a double-edged sword. I commented yesterday how I rather enjoyed 2 weeks without the internet. I got to read more and we all talked to each other a whole lot more! I recently read an article about how young children are suffering because of their parents addiction to Blackberries etc and how they are losing out as regards attention from their mums and dads. I thought this was very sad but also wondered how many parents of older kids get very frustrated by THEIR absolute necessity to be constantly texting or playing on hand-held computer games as well as being plugged into their mp3s. Parents get ignored too!

I'd be very wary of getting a phone with internet access as I think I'd find it far too addictive!

I have mixed feelings about mobile phones. Why do so many people insist on carrying on "text conversations" in social situations ? It drives me mad when you're trying to talk to someone and you have to keep stopping while they read their text and then reply. And this goes on and on...it's like there's an extra person there that I can't see or hear! I also hate it at work when I have to serve someone and they are talking on the phone and don't even acknowledge my existence...and as for those dozens of people I see using a phone while they are driving....!!!

I love blogging and quite like Facebook but Twitter is not for me.

2009-08-15T11:37:00.003+01:00

(this image is from http://www.hoppingdowninkent.org.uk/intro4.php)

The wanderer returns...

We got back late last night from our holiday in Kent. We decided to travel back Friday night as Phil & Kate have Everton's first match of the season to attend and it was a good decision because we now have the whole weekend to recover from our holiday! We had a great time although I think the girls are starting to get to that age when holidays with mum and dad are a bit boring!

Our holiday home was bright, modern, and very comfortable and well equipped with beautiful views from the back over the countryside which included a converted oast house (see above!). The only drawback was it was on a main road so was quite noisy at night. It was really well located for exploring the area though.

Quite a few people expressed surprise that we were going to Kent but there was loads to do and the weather was mainly warm and sunny! We went to various old houses and castles - Hever Castle (with jousting!) was a highlight for me as was Chartwell, home of Sir Winston Churchill. We had two days in London and saw the aftermath of one of the biggest ever jewel robberies in the UK! We even ventured to the Bluewater Mall which wasn't nearly as horrible as the Trafford Centre. There were beautiful villages to explore and of course oast houses EVERYWHERE!

I haven't time to download my photos yet but when I do I'll of course be posting some on here and on Flickr. I have been reading up on everyone's blogs and will comment when i'm more "sorted". It's been a great holiday but also nice to come home and be reunited with the pussies.

How did I manage TWO WEEKS without ANY internet access? It was strange but curiously liberating. I realise just how much time I spend online!

2009-07-26T15:00:00.002+01:00

Lace-cap hydrangea after rain..

We are certainly seeing some varied weather these last few days. This morning we had almost monsoon-like rain! In between the rain, when the sun has come out it's been warm and sunny.

Kate has friends round, so the house is full of young voices and laughter which is lovely to hear.

Yesterday evening Phil and I went to a pre-wedding meeting for a young couple whose wedding we are photographing on 5th September. The venue is a marquee in the bride's parents' garden and honestly, you could not have a lovelier location! The house is set in a beautiful, rambling garden, with a big lawn in front. It has a conservatory and a cobbled courtyard; a beautiful porch and sash windows. Inside it is a real home, cosy and comfortable and tasteful. It's my dream house, in short! We are spoilt for choice for places to shoot both inside and out which is a great situation to find yourself in as a wedding photographer.The bride made me very happy when she told me her transport to the church will be a horse drawn carriage! This is a first for us and I think it will be fabulous as it's a real country wedding - it won't be a Jordan-esque glass coach, thank goodness!

I have decided to repeat the five day first phase of my eating regime this week; I've felt a few sugar cravings resurfacing and I succumbed a few Minstrels in the cinema on Friday watching the new Harry Potter film and then to a chocolate brownie yesterday! It was really nice but a but like giving Dracula just a teaspoon of blood...I immediately wanted to eat the entire batch! So time for a little boost I think. I'm really pleased I've managed to stay off sugar in tea and coffee. It's really silly but I get a little glow of pride when I hear myself saying "white, no sugar" when someone asks how I take coffee :)

2009-07-26T14:50:00.002+01:00

Phil has a small selection of photos on sale at the Grosvenor Garden Centre and we went along to have a look at the display. Here's a snap of a proud Kate standing next to her dad's work!

My sister in law and her twin daughters are visiting from New Zealand. They certainly picked a bad time for weather as it's actually warmer in Auckland (it's winter there!) than it is here in north-west England at the moment. I think they've really enjoyed their holiday despite the showers. On Friday we had a lovely trip out to Speke Hall

In this photo are my nieces, my sister in law, my mother in law and Kate. I will really miss H, R & S when they go home. NZ is so far away!

Yesterday we went to my other sister in law's home for a farewell party for the visitors. Here's a photo of my father in law just after blowing out his birthday cake candles.

2009-07-21T15:54:00.000+01:00

This is only the first week of the summer holidays and I'm already enjoying working fewer hours and having more time to "potter" at home. I'm a huge fan of "pottering". I like being able to potter around in the kitchen, then wander out into the garden to potter a bit there. I like being able to pop in and out to watch some of my favourite TV shows in between some housework and i get a real buzz out of being able to de-clutter and organise stuff that has been lying around bugging me for weeks. Just having a few extra hours each week to myself makes a huge difference to me. I'm so lucky to be able to be fairly flexible sometimes about the hours I work. I am however working an extra day on Saturday as we are short-staffed. With my normal job, the weddings and my volunteer work I usually have about one day to myself in the week to catch up on housework and garden chores and do the shopping. It feels such a luxury to have more time. I know that at some point in the future I may have to return to full-time work so I'm making the most of "now".

I've stopped going to the gym. I was paying £18 a month and not getting my money's worth. I've decided I'd rather do more walking and cycling and exercising at home instead of driving for 30 minutes somewhere to work out and then drive 30 minutes back. I will miss my aerobics class but that's about all.

I'm off out tonight with a friend; we are going to Pizza Express in Heswall. It will be interesting to see if I can stick to my regime whilst eating there; but if I can't I'm not going to stress about it. I am still finding it really enjoyable and easy to stick to and although I don't weigh myself I am finding my clothes are looser. Best of all, I'm feeling SO WELL (with no cravings to speak of!) apart from my lousy aching arm which is giving me hell, especially in the early hours.

I've just been moved to rearrange the dining room; Phil will no doubt hate it but i felt like a change!!

Time to go and get ready ...

2009-07-19T21:17:00.002+01:00

I'm VERY grumpy....!!

Today was a really great day, until about 4.40 this afternoon. My sister in law and her twin nieces (11 years old) are visiting from NZ and they came to have lunch and spend some time with us. It was raining so after we'd eaten, the four cousins all charged around the house playing Sardines and it was really lovely to see them having fun and being together after 18 months apart.

My two nieces have loads of energy and as the rain briefly ceased they went outside into the road with Kate & Sian to have a game of badminton. A little while later they came in upset and embarrassed saying "X" had told them to go and play outside their own house instead of hers!

Well, I was LIVID! This is the same neighbour who complains bitterly if anyone DARES to park outside her house. Now, apparently, children aren't allowed to play outside her house either! I'm speechless....! I don't understand it AT ALL.

2009-07-18T09:00:00.000+01:00

Karen and Rick at their daughter's wedding.

Today would have been Karen's 48th birthday. Karen was my very special friend. She lived in Canada and we "met" many years ago online through a penpal website called Cyberfriends.Exchanging daily emails and eventually phone calls, we rapidly became very close. Karen didn't enjoy good health and after a few years of misdiagnose it was discovered she had Primary Pulmonary Hypertension. As this can be fatal, I decided to go to Canada for a visit and flew out to Alberta for two weeks with Karen.

These were two of the happiest weeks of my life! We had such a fantastic time together.

Karen was cured of PPH when she recieved a double lung transplant but she became diabetic and of course had to take strong medication for life. But she enjoyed a period of reasonable health. We kept talking about me returning to Canada but we never managed it. Karen passed away last August 14th aged just 47.

I miss her and think of her every day. I have needed her advice so often. She was my soulmate and the sister I never had. I never truly appreciated just how much she meant to me until she was gone.I would give anything to hear her voice one more time.

I also know Karen would not want me to spend her birthday in tears! She never wasted any time being sorry for herself; she always discouraged me from wallowing in self-pity. So I'm ending this post by saying how lucky I was to have Karen as my friend, how happy she made me and how much fun we had together even when we were physically far apart. Karen, if I close my eyes I'm sitting at your kitchen table with a cup of coffee while we exchange news and gossip and have a good old giggle....

2009-07-15T16:30:00.001+01:00

This is a little corner of my kitchen; with some favourite objects in it (no, not the phone!!)

I started this blog when I was getting in a real state of panic over the potential of bird flu to become pandemic. I was worrying myself sick so I decided blogging might just help me get some perspective on life. It's funny how the swine flu situation seemed to come out of no-where - I had actually stopped worrying about bird flu!

So, naturally, I'm worrying about swine flu and the media doesn't help. I can't NOT read the newspapers or watch TV or I'd worry I'd miss something important. Another worry is that's Phil's firm are shedding jobs by the hundreds; every month comes news of more job losses and apparently it's his department next! I am already having worries about the next couple of weddings I'm doing; about my bad arm which is no better (the pills hold the pain at bay but without them I'm in constant severe pain!) and I am also very anxious about a family member. I'm lurching mentally from one worry to another and I really need to get a grip!

Deep down I think I worry because I feel I'm doing SOMETHING with the act of worrying when in reality much of what I'm worrying about is stuff over whivh I have no control.

Anyway - writing it down has helped somewhat. At least for now I'm just WORRYING and not PANICKING.....

2009-07-15T14:41:00.005+01:00

Can you smell it? A wholemeal loaf straight out of the bread maker!

I've been up and down a lot emotionally this week. I realised that Saturday would have been my friend Karen's 48th birthday and that in August she will have been gone a year! In some reaspects I still haven't adjusted to her going and I know i will always miss her!

I so miss her doses of bracing common sense and her advice and the way she always helped me keep things in perspective.

I have had quite an enjoyable day so far, battling with rampant bushes in the garden! I do enjoy gardening; somehow the results for your efforts are so much more tangible than housework.

Last night we had pasta sauce containing my first courgettes and I have a cabbage about ready to be picked!!! In fact i am off outside to take some photos for my garden blog :)

2009-07-11T19:51:00.003+01:00

This photo was taken on Kate's prom night and is a very rare shot of both my girls together: I think they look beautiful but then I'm a very biased mother...photo by Phil Mann.

Thanks to Cheshire Wife for this really nice award! I'm passing it on to Mabe as I think both her blog and especially her poetry are very deserving of this award!

This week was pretty good up until Thursday evening when things went wrong somewhat and I was left feeling anxious and rather crushed. I slept really badly Thursday night and woke up thoroughly miserable Friday morning. You know that feeling that you've done something really wrong without ever intending to? Plus feeling you've let someone down AND lost faith in yourself? I had all those feelings in spades.

Since then I've gone over and over things in my mind but thinking and worrying and feeling anxious don't put things right. I've got no choice but to try to live with what's happened. I just wish I was a stronger character and that I wasn't so easily floored by "stuff".

Apparent from this situation; work has been fine and my new eating regime is going ok. I have started drinking the occasional cup of tea and coffee again, but with skimmed milk and NO SUGAR! I've tried to give up sugar in hot drinks before but failed. People always said if you could go two weeks without adding sugar you'd cracked it but that never worked for me. But I think because I gave up sugar totally on the five detox days and am avoiding it as much as i can in food, I've lost my taste for it. Anyway, the tea and coffee tasted really good without sugar for the first time ever...

I succumbed to some emotional eating of naan bread on Friday night with my curry (which as it's chicken shaslick was fine for the "diet") but apart from that lapse I'm doing ok. The strangest thing is I'm normally constantly thinking about food and suddenly I'm not. I didn't realise how much time I spent obsessing on food until now.

We had a nice couple come to see us today about their wedding in September next year but I didn't somehow get the vibe that they were going to book us.

Not long know until the school year ends. I have quite a lot of time off over the six weeks summer holiday and I'm really looking forward to having some time to do stuff at leisure instead of trying to cram everything into odd spare hours here and there....roll on the week after next!

2009-07-08T09:47:00.002+01:00

Helsby Hill at Easter (photograph by Phil Mann)

One of my blogfriends wrote about her village in a recent post (Mrs Nesbitt)and it got me thinking about the place I live, which is Helsby!

I haven't always lived here. Phil and I moved to Helsby 21 years ago when we got married. Previously we'd lived in neighbouring "villages" on the Wirral. I use the term villages loosely here, as some parts of the Wirral are now so built up that villages and towns run into one another with little to define them unless you look hard.

We chose Helsby because it was around half-way between our respective places of employmeny; Phil works in Wythenshawe and I work for Wirral Borough Council. Phil and I are both either exceedingly loyal and dedicated employees as we have stayed working for the SAME employers since leaving Uni or (more likely!) we are too lacking in courage/enterprise/confidence/talent etc to try working for anyone else :) Well, I did actually apply to Cheshire Council twice for jobs and they rejected me both times! Fortunately, I love my job (most of the time) and am reasonably happy working for WBC.

I remember very clearly the day we spent house-hunting in the area; we looked at a modern house in Frodsham (nice but backing on the railway and with a chocolate brown bathroom suite!) and our current home in Helsby. Our house is nothing unusual (a 1950s semi in a quiet cul-de-sac) but as soon as I went inside it I loved it and that feeling has never changed. The day we heard it was ours was one of the happiest of my life. I used to make Phil drive me past it in the dark before we moved in so I could visit it! I remember when we took possession, how huge and empty it seems and how little furniture we had, mostly handmedowns from other people. For quite some time our dining room contained a small fridge freezer and nothing else!

Our sitting room had brown velvet curtains, a brown carpet and a brown suite formerly belonging to Phil's parents. I am not a lover of brown in that quantity. But carpet, curtains and suite were all good quality and we had no money to replace them. We changed the curtains when Kate was born, bought a new suite when Sian was born and eventually replaced the carpet too!

Now the empty spaces are full of "stuff" and with two teenagers and two adults it no longer feels large. We have built an extra bedroom/shower room in the loft and redone kitchen and bathroom but we are still here. We've thought of moving, looked at other houses, but basically we are content here. We like the road, the neighbours, the village. We are withing walking distance of schools and shops and friends' homes.

Helsby has changed over the years; lots of new houses and a Tesco supermarket which I have a love/hate relationship with!At the moment it has two pubs boarded up which is somehow sad....I've lived here longer than anywhere else and I love it. I love going out for a walk and always seeing someone I know. I like going to village events like last night's fashion show at the Ex-serviceman's club. I like the fact it is right on the edge of beautiful countryside and also close to the motorway so the Lakes, Wales, Yorkshire etc are not far away. We can get to Chester, Liverpool and Manchester easily.

Helsby isn't pretty or especially interesting; but it's HOME.

2009-07-04T20:48:00.004+01:00

Today has been really great; we all went over to Liverpool and spent large amounts of money; mainly on the girls I hasten to add! My daughters are so gorgeous (excuse my partiality!) I just love buying them clothes as I know they'll look great on them. Whereas I hate buying clothes for me as I know I'll always look the same - horrible! Maybe that's why I prefer to buy jewellery, shoes, bags and scarves!

That took up most of the day; and now Phil has gone out to photograph a charity walk and I'm waiting for a phone call from Kate so I can collect her from bowling at Cheshire Oaks. Then we are all supposed to watch the "Shopaholic" DVD (very appropriate after today!) but the way it's going it will be too late to do that!

My new eating regime is going ok with only minor lapses. To my amazement, on day six I awoke feeling tons better, just as Diet Lady said I would! I have totally stopped wanting to drink tea or coffee which is so odd. I do still want chocolate so on the advice of the book i bought some Lindt 85% dark chocolate (very low in sugar)as apparently the odd square is ok to satisfy the desire for chocolate. It is really different from Cadbury's Dairy Milk but I have to say, one square tasted delicious and yet I didn't feel the need to eat half the bar the way I do with Cadbury's!!!

Breakfast was Alpen sugar free museli and again that tasted INCREDIBLE; after those five days of deprivation it seems my taste buds have changed in some strange way. I had some oatcakes on Friday with a smear of fruit puree and honestly, they tasted better than a McVities Chocolate HobNob!!I could really taste the oats; normally I'd put so much butter on all I'd taste is butter. It is also odd not to be calorie counting...

I have no idea if I've lost weight as I have no scales. Also, although I'd love to lose some weight my main motivation is to eat better, maybe help my IBS and to not have so many cravings for crap foods. My trousers feel looser however! If I can somehow carry on, I'll probably pluck up courage to get on some scales if my trousers start actually falling DOWN!

If I can stick to this regime until after our holiday in August I'm going to treat myself to a riding lesson on Bruno - just a one-off!

2009-06-30T19:37:00.002+01:00

I haven't blogged for a few days; I've been so busy and so hot!

Sian returned from Berlin; she really enjoyed her trip but I have my doubts as to how educational it was! She was very vague about what she'd seen and done and I don't think she spoke much German!

Big excitement in my little world; I have a new fridge! The old one was about 14 years old and well past its prime. The trouble is, we have a very narrow alcove in our kitchen for the fridge to fit in so I needed to find a tall narrow replacement. That's not easy - I finally located the only tall narrow fridge in the country, I think!

The other thing I've been doing is dieting. I generally don't like or believe in diets. However I found one that quite appealed to me (the Harcombe diet)as it tackles food cravings which I have in abundance. It also focuses on eating unprocessed foods which I think is a good thing.

The first phase of the diet which lasts for five days is quite strict - I can only eat fish, meat, salad, eggs, vegetables, olives and natural yoghurt. No milk,bread, potatoes,chocolate, sugar, no caffeinated tea or coffee. Hmmm, it's been REALLY tough! The idea is to knock cravings on the head. After the initial five days, you can eat more normally but only unprocessed foods and in certain (easy) combinations. I have to say I am really excited about the prospect of eating shredded wheat for breakfast on Thursday! This phase lasts until you've lost any weight you want to, then you can return to eating normally but still avoiding processed foods.

I've realised how often I reach for food out of habit instead of hunger. If all you can eat is something you don't really WANT to eat, you don't eat it unless you are actually hungry!

I'm amazed I'm on Day 4 as I have zero will power! I'm also amazed how many foods have added sugar in them! It's everywhere - bread, curry paste, tinned ham, you name it! I have felt really lousy these four days. No energy and a permanent dull headache!

Off for a cup of herbal tea now....

2009-06-24T14:55:00.002+01:00

Off to Berlin...

This morning i drove Sian to Liverpool Airport as she was off on a trip to Berlin. She's had such a traumatic time of late she wasn't sure she wanted to go but in the end decided to give it a go! It was hard saying goodbye to her but she looked pretty relaxed and happy when I left her. i'll be glad when she's home though!

RDA didn't need me this afternoon so i went for a lovely walk with J and Buster; really enjoyed myself.

Ihanks to Akelamalu for this lovely award! It's for "best follower" of your blog but I couldn't choose between the kind folk who read, comment and support me, so please if you would like this, take it with love from me!

Apologies for those who couldn't get the link to Facebook to work for Kate's photos of the prom - it works ok for me but maybe it's some FB techie thing - it's beyond me!

I was thrilled to get another wedding booking for next year from a lovely couple we met the other weekend. They said really nice things about our work which was encouraging as I've been having a crisis of confidence about the photography lately.

Now it's a choice between clearing up the kitchen or sitting in the sun with my book...hmm, which is it to be?

2009-06-22T10:17:00.002+01:00

A tale of two parties...

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times......" just about sums up last week for me! After my post on Wednesday things continued to get worse and worse and I was feeling more and more hopeless and worried. In the midst of it all, I was doing last minute errands with Kate helping her to get ready for her Prom on Friday night. We needed to buy shoes and get her some beautiy treatments, hair accessories etc. It involved a lot of driving around and time but I think the result was worth it (see photo above!)

So the first party was Kate's prom, which of course I didn't attend although I'd love to have been a fly on the wall! After work I drove straight to Kate's friend E's house where her posse were putting the finishing touches to their outfits. Phil and I were taking photos of them all and I'd left my camera bag packed and ready for Phil to bring - but unfortunately he'd not heard me ask him to bring it so he didn't! Phil's camera is too heavy for me to use especially as my right arm is still hurting like mad, so Phil took the photos and I "arranged" the girls - it was just like doing wedding groups LOL. You can see more prom pictures here

E's parents had provided champagne, Buck's Fizz and nibbles; it was all lovely and a couple of other parents were there too. After they'd all left for the prom, Phil, Sian and I went home for a takeaway curry and a DVD night. Kate really enjoyed her party, they all seemed to have a lovely time and it was worth all the effort to see them all look so beautiful!

Saturday was a pretty crap day, really, and although Phil and I were supposed to be attending a 50th birthday party in the village I was certain we wouldn't go. Neither of us are party people and I can remember only enjoying a few parties ever in my life (my friend A's parties in CA and my friend J's parties here in Helsby being notable exceptions!) - when I was a child I actually used to CRY when invited to parties!

But anyway, we went! And I'm so glad we did! We had a fabulous evening. Most of my Helsby girlfriends were there plus other halfs (with two exceptions - D & J, we really missed you both!!) plus other people we know from the village and it was just fun, and relaxing and cheering. We were able to put our anxieties to the back of our minds for a few hours and just enjoy ourselves. Thank you so much for inviting us, A!

It was nice to meet up with fellow blogger Clarkey who is a lovely person I've known for years (we have kids of similar ages) and who lives locally but somehow our paths seldom cross. I have just started reading her blog and it's uncanny how often we think the same things or feel the same way about stuff. Anyway, it was just really good to see her in the flesh, so to speak and have a real chat!

Yesterday was Father's Day which I think we all enjoyed. So the week was a mix of highs and lows. None of the problems are resolved in any way but we are all still alive and hopefully this week may be better!

I am so grateful for all the thoughtful comments and support I get from my blogfriends. You help me more than you know.

2009-06-17T22:43:00.002+01:00

It's been a funny week so far; I've been feeling a bit like staying in the house and never ever venturing out again - not very practical is it with a job and a family to look after!

I have often noticed that if I allow myself to feel happy and satisfied with myself and with life in general, something comes along and destroys that feeling. I suppose it's why I'm generally a pessimist - my theory being that if you always expect the worst you are never disappointed!

This week, two things have happened that have dented my confidence quite badly; both in myself as a person and in my abilities. In the latter I have at least had a lot of reassurance that I am not at really fault, but I still feel I have let people down especially someone who really trusted me to do a good job.

Here I am approaching fifty - fifty!! - and I'm still so often an insecure, unconfident mess of a person! I wonder if the day will ever come when I stop feeling like a work in progress? Will I ever stop caring SO MUCH what other people think of me?

I am also so worried about one of my daughters who is not having an easy time of late and yet is incredibly resiliant, brave and strong! I'm so proud of her but would give anything to be able to solve her problems and ease her pain...

I heard someone say today that it's not how you handle success that counts but how you handle failure. To be honest, I've felt pretty much that I've failed on several fronts this week but I'll try to handle it successfully - because, well, hibernation isn't really an option, is it?

2009-06-15T14:00:00.002+01:00

We are lucky enough to have a really great butchers in our neighbouring town of Frodsham. It's first port of call on barbecue days and as you can see by the sign, also the place you can get some wonderful pies. I have often been stopped by men in vans asking me "where's the place which sells the great pies?" They come from miles around! I was at Coward's last Monday taking a photo of the shop (not this one) for an exhibition on Frodsham which the photographic society are putting on.

I'm in the middle of watching "The Reader" DVD while doing the ironing. Not sure yet what I think about it! So far it's quite slow and Kate Winslett has been naked for most of the time. i am so glad I'm not married to an actor who has to do explicit love scenes!

2009-06-09T19:15:00.002+01:00

Two weddings on two successive Saturdays and the weather couldn't have been more different! This photo is from the wedding on May 30th which was brilliantly sunny and HOT the whole day, last Saturday's wedding was cold and wet the whole time!

Both types of weather create their own challenges; I think I actually found the very sunny day hardest as there was so much harsh sunlight paired with inky shadows - nightmarish exposure-wise. I learn something new every wedding I shoot and the fact that you never know what challenges the day will hold make it both rewarding and absolutely terrifying...!

2009-06-08T16:45:00.002+01:00

View from Top of the Rock, originally uploaded by xxxjuliexxx.

Our Tuesday in New York was supposed to be the day we met up with Dianne from Forks Off The Moment but sadly that was not to be - next time, I hope, Dianne! Instead we decided to go to the "Top of the Rock" and we really enjoyed it! It was very quiet compared to the Empire State Building and had great views. It's nice that they use perspex rather than wire mesh so the views are uninterrupted.

After we came down, we visited Magnolia Bakery for a delicious cupcake each - yum! We really enjoyed them. Afterwards we spotted two mounted police officers and went over to say hello and get a photo of Sian with them. We were surprised how small the horses are compared to the ones you see in the UK.

We went to Chelsea and the Empire Diner for lunch; Phil and I had been there on our last trip and really liked it and wanted to share it with the girls. After a short wait we got a table and our food was superb; it was probably my favourite meal of the trip!

After that we headed back to 5th Avenue and stopped off at Tiffany's. I wasn't intending to buy anything but on the 3rd Floor (Phil calls it the "cheap floor" as it's the only floor we ever buy anything on!) I was seduced by some lovely silver tiffany rings. I bought the girls one each and one for myself as a memento of our wonderful trip. In the elevator going down, the operator serendaded Kate with "It's now or never" in a beautiful voice, gazing straight into her eyes - I laughed so hard my FEET were sweating!!

We made a brief stop at FAO Schwarz so Sian could play on the big piano and then wandered up to Columbus Circle. We went into a Borders store there as Kate wanted to check out a friend's theory that Borders stores smell the same all over the world! There were some VERY interesting statues of a naked man and a naked woman in the foyer - hmmm!

That evening we went to City Field to see the Mets; it was a damp evening but we had a great time; despite poor Kate having to stand for what felt like hours in the queue for my nachos! The new stadium is very impressive and we didn't miss Shea stadium TOO much. i wonder if we should rename our cat Shea "City Field"? Maybe not...Anyway, the Mets won!

Our last day we had promised to dedicate to shopping; we headed first to Abercrombie & Fitch, Mecca for Kate. The store is quite an experience, very dark and full of staff who look like models and dance to the pounding music played continually. After Abercrombie we headed towards American Eagle stopping off for another Magnolia Cupcake & coffee; on the way I noticed a jeweller's selling Pandora stuff. Almost before I knew what was happening we had been sold a safety chain for my bracelet plus a charm to commemorate my visit - I chose a cupcake to symbolise Magnolia Bakery!

Kate shopped like mad at American Eagle; I sat in a chair while she piled stuff on top of me! Then it was time to head back to the Upper West Side where we had lunch at Cosi. We took the airport shuttle back to Newark and our trip was over. It was a wonderful holiday and I'll never forget it!

I miss New York!

2009-06-08T16:16:00.002+01:00

2009-06-02T11:01:00.003+01:00

The Monday of our trip, we decided to take the subway to Brooklynm and walk back over the Brooklyn Bridge. I have done this every visit to NYC and it has always been in hot sunny weather. It's such a great experience.

After the bridge we had a look at the supreme court buildings and then headed towards the Ground Zero site, stopping off at a pretty park with a fountain en route.We visited a wonderful exhibition at St Paul's Chapel - "the little church that stood" on our way to Ground Zero. Located directly across from the World Trade Center site, St. Paul's Chapel, an Episcopal church, was home to an extraordinary eight-month volunteer relief effort after the terrorist attacks of September 11th, 2001. Unwavering Spirit, a new interactive exhibit, honors that ministry and its legacy of love and compassion. I know that we were all terribly moved by this exhibition. It brought home to me that although the terrorist actions that day destroyed lives, broke hearts and changed the face of the world for ever, it did not destroy the human spirit or the essential goodness inside people. I felt very humbled and also very hopeful for the future of humanity.

It was broiling hot and I felt very sorry for the workmen toiling away on the new Freedom Tower site. We went on to the cool of the Winter Garden, a place we'd never seen before, and found a nice sandwich shop called Cosi for lunch. I wish we had the Cosi chain in the UK! Outside the Winter Garden is a lovely riverfront plaza. we then took a look around the Financial District; sadly the brass bull was surrounded by crowds so we couldn't take photos of the girls next to it.

We then took a train to 59th Street and got the Roosevelt Tramway over to Roosevelt Island; another first for us. I really enjoyed the trip but the heat was just too much to explore the island so after a brief rest we got the tram back. Sian wanted to see the Guggenheim so we found a bench just across from it and sat for a while in the shade. A very unfriendly security guard sat right in the middle of the bench while we perched awkwardly on one end - there were no other free benches and we were all hot and exhausted otherwise I would have moved! Whilst there I took a series of shots of the museum that I'm quite happy with! We had ice-creams and decided to walk back to the hotel through the park.

After showers and changing clothes we went to an Italian restaurant called Coppola's for dinner - the food was great and the service really friendly. we then went to Times Square. They have only just started to pedestrianise it and it is cordoned off witrh cones. It is such a fun place; full of colour and life although very brash! We visited the M&M's store and Sian bought an umbrella! I have noticed that in US stores they have started saying "Next guest" instead of "next customer" - I don't know why, it seems overly polite to me!

Then it was home to bed!

2009-06-01T12:48:00.002+01:00

Our first two days in New York...

We flew with Continental Airways from Manchester and they were great; flight took off on time, crew were friendly and food not too terrible! We arrived at Newark to find it very hot & sunny at midday and got a cab to our hotel, the Beacon, on the Upper West Side. Just opposite was a fantastic market, the Fairway, an absolute paradise of grocery items. After quickly dumping our bags and shedding some clothes we went down the block to the subway station to buy our 7 day Metro cards; then it was off to Greenwich Vilage. We wandered through the streets and admired the houses and shops, stopped off in Washington Square for some water and the girls' first ever pretzel; then walked up 5th Avenue. I was intrigued to see an open-mouthed lion statue on the back of a truck, next to a wicker baby carriage!

We had a little wander in the park before heading back towards our hotel, stopping off for dinner at the "City Grill" on the way. We picked up some breakfast items at the market before turning in for the night.

The next morning was very hot and sunny and we walked to Central Park, passing the Dakota building. We saw John Lennon's memorial mosaic in the park as we entered. On a beautiful bridge over a lake I noticed a couple getting engaged; I was just too late with my camera to catch him down on one knee- it would have been nice to email them the photo!

Central Park was full of characters that day - a young guy doing yoga, roller skaters dancing to the music in their ears from Ipods, two young boxers sparring, even a wedding couple plus photographer! We saw another guy in a yellow robe doing very odd moves but a passer-by told us he was "there every Sunday; he's just attention-seeking!" While we were admiring Belvedere Castle across the lake, a guitarist entertained us with his beautiful playing - he wsn't busking, just enjoying himself under the willow trees on a beautiful day.

After leaving the park we had an unsuccessful hunt for the Broadway Diner, where Phil and I had eaten on our three previous trips. By then it was sweltering so we ducked into Grand Central station - one of my favourite New York spaces. We found some nice food there including great cupcakes. We passed Bryant Park behind the NY public library and I was interested to see they have racks of books for loan in the park - how civilised and how trusting! Refreshed, we took the subway downtown and the Staten Island Ferry. It was looking very stormy by then but although it rained in Staten Island by the time we got back to Manhattan it was obvious the rain hadn't travelled that far.

After a quick look at the statue representing (ironically!) world peace, which used to stand in the plaza of the WTC but was placed, battered but not destroyed, in Battery Park after 9/11 and now has an eternal flame lit before it, we got back on the subway. We had a Mexican meal in Caliente (Greenwich Village) with wonderful freshly-made guacamole, then went to the Empire State Building. Then we queued. And we queued...and we queued! It has never taken so long to reach the observation deck but we enjoyed the spectacular views before returning to the hotel and BED!

2009-05-31T14:50:00.002+01:00

On 5th Avenue

There is always the fear when I go back to NYC that I won't like it any more. On our first trip I was really nervous, as Phil doesn't like cities much and it was MY life-long dream to visit New York. The drive from the airport was NOT inspiring and even when we reached Manhattan, it seemed hot, dirty and over-crowded. I had this awful feeling is disillusionment. Suddenly Phil nudged me and pointed. I craned my neck and saw the Chrysler Building gleaming silver against a blue sky and that was it - I was in love.

Subsequent visits to the city have only deepened my love and affection for the place. Yes, it is dirty and hot (or at least it always has been on our visits) and hugely crowded; it is always in a state of flux with construction going on constantly; parts of it are tacky while others classically beautiful - I don't know why, I just love it all and I feel so at home there.

One of my favourite things in the city is the subway. I will miss the subway. It's clean, safe and efficient and the best place for people watching..... and so cheap, too! I love the blasts of hot air that swirl around the underground caverns, the battered wooden seating, the mosaics in the tiled walls.

Today's photo was taken on 5th Avenue on our first day (last Saturday). We'd taken the subway to Greenwich Village and then walked back up 5th Avenue to Central Park.

2009-05-29T21:28:00.002+01:00

Happy Birthday to Kate!

Kate is 16 today. Here is a photo of her in Grand Central Station, New York. One of my favourite places and it was such a joy to share it with Kate and Sian.

Thank you, Kate, for being such a wonderful blessing in my life for 16 years! I love you very much.

2009-05-22T19:09:00.002+01:00

This was forwarded to me today and I really liked it. Tomorrow we are off to NYC and I'm really hoping to meet a very special blog friend while I'm there!

Philosophy of Relationships

2009-05-19T22:23:00.002+01:00

Top of the class!

I am very pleased to report that Sian got top marks in her French exam! She's very chuffed with herself and I am very proud of her! This photo was taken at the U-Boat Exhibit at Woodside and the strange background is a plan of the u-boat. I'm kicking myself for not using a bit of fill in flash on this pic..

What a day! Work was pretty busy and since I got home I made a cake and cut the lawn and did some other gardening as well as ironing, dish washing and general tidying. I have so much to do before New York and am not at all sure how I'm going to get through it all. My bloody arm is aching like crazy (don't think it liked me using the lawnmower or the strimmer!) and stupidly I forgot to get my new prescription filled. At least the doctor did not fob me off with "it's probably a virus" or "are you depressed?" He has suggested I try new anti-inflammatories for a month and see how things go! Hurray! About twelve years since I first went to a doctor with joint pains and this is the very first time I've been offered any actual treatment.

I am so excited to see my veggies are growing! Tonight I planted a few spring onions. The first crop of salad leaves are almost ready to cut :) I can't wait to see the runner beans climb up my carefully constructed bamboo teepee!

I am going to meet the couple whose wedding I'm photographing on June 6th tomorrow night. I hope they like me.

I am quite looking forward to the plane journey to NYC as I get to sit and relax for seven hours which will be quite a treat. We have made an Excel spreadsheet (geeky, hey?) of places to go/things to do/times and days to do them on. It will be weird flying into Newark as we've always come via JFK before. I am so excited to be returning to New York. Right from my very first visit, it's felt like home, maybe because it reminds me a lot of Liverpool. It's the first time I'll be looking at it through my camera lens, however.

One of my favourite memories of New York is from my last visit. We were staying in an apartment on MAdison Avenue. On our last morning we emerged to find a seven-foot tall blue inflatable gorrilla tethered just outside the entrance. There was nothing to indicate why it was there. The street was crowded with people heading off to work. What made me laugh was that non of the commuters even glanced at the gorilla as they hurried past. It was as if seven foot plastic gorrillas on the sidewalk were nothing unusual for them, or they were just too cool to acknowledge it!

2009-05-16T13:25:00.002+01:00

Bluebell woods

The weather we've had this spring has produced a really great display of bluebells and the other day Phil and I went to a renowned bluebell wood for a walk. There is an art to great bluebell photography which i don't really understand but I did take a couple of snaps to remind me of the lovely time we had.

I have been through a real low spell but am emerging again, thank God. I have to keep telling myself that when things are bad, those awful feelings will pass eventually.

I know Phil finds my negativity hard to live with! I always think the worst and I expect it's a protective measure so I don't get disappointed!

Hopefully, this time next week we'll be in a plane heading for NYC. I'm really looking forward to seeing my favourite city again and showing it to the girls. We are staying in a new location, at the Hotel Beacon in the Upper West Side. This will be our longest stay ever in the Big Apple. I can't wait!

So much to do this week, both at home and at work before we go.

We tried a new print lab this week, we are pleased with the results. Phil got one of my fave pics from the last wedding done, it looked lovely. I am so lucky to be able to do wedding photography. It's an incredible experience.

My bloody elbow is still crippling me so i'd better get off the computer...